EPISODE ONE: WAKE UP

A garage poorly adapted to look like a call-in studio. There’s a second-hand table with a large telephone on it. Behind the desk is a chalkboard with “The Men’s Self-Help Line” crudely printed in red chalk. There’s two armchairs with the two self-helpers, JACKIE GAMES and CHRIS MOTH, thirties, two sides of a well-worn coin: JACKIE curves feisty and CHRIS cordial, though that dynamic changes. A lot.

JACKIE: We can’t just sit here waiting for calls.

CHRIS: Give me a second.

JACKIE (to camera): I’m Jackie Games and this is my partner Chris Moth –

CHRIS: Stop.

JACKIE: Here to help you guys with your problems, especially sexual ones –

CHRIS: I’m ready, let’s go.

JACKIE: The number to call is 818 636 4800.

THEY STARE AT THE PHONE.

JACKIE: Right, you guys are going through tough times, don’t deny it, so come on, call us, we’ve been where you are: no secrets, straight up.

CHRIS: Jackie, you’re too strong.

JACKIE: What’s the matter?

CHRIS: You’re gonna scare them.

JACKIE: That’s exactly the problem, Chris.

CHRIS: What?

JACKIE: There’s no scare. We’re men. We don’t scare easy, call us: 888 636 4848.

CHRIS (checks paper): That’s the wrong number.

JACKIE: 888 63 –

CHRIS: No, it’s 818 636 4800.

JACKIE: (checks paper): That’s not what I have.

CHRIS: (shows paper): See?

JACKIE: Hell.

CHRIS: No wonder no one’s called.

JACKIE: You think that’s why?

CHRIS: We can’t get the number right and we’re giving advice to grown men?

JACKIE: The one has nothing to do with the other.

CHRIS: The wrong phone number, Jackie, does not instill confidence on a help line.

CHRIS WRITES 888 636 IN HUGE NUMBERS ON THE BLACKBOARD THEN CORRECTS IT TO 818 636 4800.

JACKIE: You can have the wrong number and still know what you’re talking about.

CHRIS: Jackie?

JACKIE: What?

CHRIS: Work with me.

JACKIE: I am.

CHRIS: Well, work a little better.

JACKIE: Guys, you see what happens? One digit out of place and what? Disaster. You’ve been there, right? Your whole life in tatters over minutia, a late-for-dinner or a little-hand-wandering? In a car, on the sidewalk, your office? Call us. You came home again drunk? Does she ever ask herself why? We can help. I’m Jackie Games.

CHRIS: And I’m Chris Moth.

JACKIE: Live.

CHRIS: Very much alive.

JACKIE: And we don’t give in to females just because they whine.

CHRIS: Like the entire male sex has this huge problem.

JACKIE: Which it doesn’t.

CHRIS: You guys know what we’re talking about.

JACKIE: You have sexual tendencies – we have them. Often.

CHRIS: Very often.

JACKIE: They are healthy.

CHRIS: They’re called virility, which comes from the Latin meaning “sun-strength”.

JACKIE: Really?

CHRIS: Yeah. From the Latin or the Greek.

JACKIE: When’s the last time a guy sued a woman for sexual harassment?

CHRIS: When’s the first time?

JACKIE: How’s never.

CHRIS: Never? Is that true?

JACKIE: It’s true enough.

CHRIS: What is sex supposed to be, “Can I touch you here?”

JACKIE: Like where? Your pinkie?

CHRIS: “Do I need a lawyer to talk to you?”

JACKIE: Call us.

CHRIS: We’re not lawyers, we’re guys like you, we talk real-life issues straight up.

JACKIE: About going soft.

CHRIS: Like, “There’s more to sex than sex.”

JACKIE: First off: that’s impossible.

CHRIS: And like “I want you to respect me.”

JACKIE: Fuck that. Or “You can trust me: I’m nice.”

CHRIS: Right, nice: We are animals, we can’t be domesticated.

JACKIE: That doesn’t mean we eat snakes raw but we need room to roam.

CHRIS: Call us. It’s not too late.

JACKIE: You forgot to buy the tofu? How’s this to answer: “So what.”

CHRIS: Tofu is tied to breast cancer and lower testosterone.

JACKIE: How come nobody talks about that?

CHRIS: We’re talking about it.

JACKIE: Tofu, come on, guys it’s all connected, these little things they add up.

CHRIS: Quickly.

JACKIE: Changing your diet is not a small issue.

CHRIS: There are no small issues. Or very few.

JACKIE: Next thing you know, you’re dragged into court and for what? A little excessive drugs and alcohol, you remember that night one way, she another? Drugs, alcohol, losing your panties and waking up not knowing where you are, that used to be called “partying”, ladies.

CHRIS: Call us. It’s not too late.

JACKIE: It’s never too late to say, “I live my life my way.”

CHRIS: No discussion.

JACKIE: When you hear, “Let’s discuss this,” that’s the give-away.

CHRIS: It is time to leave.

JACKIE: Fast.

CHRIS: What are we – The European Union? Let’s have another meeting?

JACKIE: We’re talking clear basic behavior in simple sentences.

CHRIS: Like: “I want you.”

JACKIE: Like: “Do me.”

THE PHONE RINGS LOUDLY AND THE LIGHTS ABOVE THE CHALKBOARD FLASH. JACKIE PRESSES THE SPEAKER PHONE BUTTON.

JACKIE: Men’s Self-Help Line, you’re on speaker phone with Jackie Games and Chris Moth.

WOMAN: You two are the biggest assholes in the universe.

CHRIS: You sure of that? The universe is a big place.

WOMAN: You think you’re smart?

JACKIE: Sometimes.

WOMAN: Why don’t you drown yourselves in a tub of elephant semen?

CHRIS: How are we supposed to do that?

WOMAN: You’re smart, figure it out.

JACKIE: Any chance to find middle ground before we drink the elephant semen?

WOMAN: No. And it’s not just me who thinks so. My husband agrees with me: you’re disgusting. Your mother won’t even go to your funeral.

CHRIS: Of course she won’t, she’s dead. Did you know my mother?

WOMAN: Fuck off!

THERE IS A LOUD CLICK AND THE LINE GOES SILENT. JACKIE AND CHRIS EXCHANGE A “HIGH-FIVE”.

JACKIE: We’re finding our audience.

CHRIS: The husband, right?

JACKIE: The husband. Definitely.

END OF EPISODE ONE

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Brandon Cole is a critically-acclaimed New York playwright and screenwriter. Brandon co-wrote MAC (winner of the Camera d’Or at Cannes in 1992) with actor/director John Turturro as well as ILLUMINATA (1998), both screenplays based on his plays. He wrote and directed OK GARAGE (1998), starring Lili Taylor, John Turturro and Will Patton. Brandon’s collaboration with Alexandre Rockwell produced SONS (1989), starring Samuel Fuller, William Forsythe and William Hickey, 13 MOONS (2001) and PETE SMALLS IS DEAD (2010). He is the recipient of a New York Foundation of the Arts fellowship in screenwriting/playwriting.