X-JACK: the 12-step Program for Mastering Your Domain

by David Comfort

 To regulate men like women, Mississippi state senator, Bradford Blackmon, a Black Baptist and former ballplayer, has just introduced the “Contraception Begins at Erection Act.”

The bill states:  It shall be unlawful for a man to discharge genetic material without the intent to fertilize an embryo. Violaters will be fined $1,000 for the first offence, $5,000 for a second, $10,000 for a third. Fellow Southern Baptist, Speaker Johnson, is expected to back the measure, having confided that he and his son – Jack — control their porn habit (and, by extension, their self-love) by using the Christian online app, Covenant Eyes.

Pushing back, atheists have already posted a CBEA loophole: since the bill doesn’t say what kind of embryo, masturbators are advised to stock up on unfertilized eggs (though hoarding may drive up prices further).

Since the outlawing of polygamy with minors in 1890, Latter Day Saints have been at the forefront of self-love prohibition efforts, claiming that the activity desecrates the body’s “holy temple” leading to self-loathing, blindness, insanity, and early death.

In 1970 the Mormon Apostle, Mark E. Peterson, issued the first “self-control” guide based on a Just Don’t Do It / Yes You Can! approach. But, in the half century since, romance has become more challenging for men, especially Incels.

Each of the following 12 steps begins with a Peterson quote (his CAPS included) and is followed by an X-Jack 2.0 update. While working through them, remember Bill and Bob’s AA motto– “You are only as sick as your secrets.” And don’t forget the highlights of their original 12:

• Admit that you are powerless— that your banana-buffing has become unmanageable.
• Make amends to all you have had harmed with your monkey-spanking,
• Let God stay your hand on St. Peter to restore your sanity.

1. If you’re associated with others with the same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIPS….

X-JACK UPDATE:

Since you probably have no friends except yourself, Download Covenant Eye while avoiding circle jerks with strangers.

2. Make a pocket calendar. Your goal will be to have no black days…

X-JACK:

In case of wet dream, take a Messiah Mulligan. In case of another genetic discharge, pay the $5K then stop sleeping. For Jesus.

3. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise to reduce emotional tension…

X-JACK:

Avoid Jumping Jacks, squat thrusts, Pilates pelvic floor moves, missionary or doggy.

4. Never read (sic) pornographic material. Read scripture. Preferably the New Testament or The Book of Mormon.

X-JACK:

Recite Genesis (38:8-19) about Onan doing his dead brother’s wife, pulling out, then getting killed by God.

Otherwise, kick the porno by downloading topless pics of Mother Teresa in Calcutta.

5. Pray. BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER…

X-JACK:

Do what Jesus did when away from Mary Magdelene with 12 guys. Turn cornhusking lunatics into swine, raise a Lazarus stiff without making him hard.

6. Never touch your intimate parts except during normal toilet processes….

X-JACK:

• Better safe than sorry: use an oven mitt, or a prosthesis. Or, enlist a trusted person to give you a hand (your mom, your sister, or Speaker Johnson).
• If still near spontaneous crotch combustion, do what Victorian docs did to chill pork-pullers: Circumcise yourself. Donate kosher leftovers to Jose’s World Kitchen, Oscar Meyer, or The United Jewish Appeal.

7. Do not admire yourself in a bathroom mirror or stay in the bath more than five

minutes – THEN GET OUT…

X-JACK:

Should it be impossible to avert amorous gazes to your favorite person, remove the mirror, or blind yourself (if you’re not already). Better yet: Stop going to the bathroom: get Depends or a colonoscopy bag.

8. At bedtime dress yourself so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts…

X-JACK:

Try Mormon magic PJs. For further vital protection, try a jock with dry ice, but NOT BenGay. Otherwise, ditch the Egyptian cotton for a bed of nails.

9. If nighttime temptation seems overpowering, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK.

X-JACK:

Avoid figs, oysters, yohimbe, and ManAlive! gummies. Unless you chase them with salt peter, or a red hot Carolina Reaper.

10. When the temptation to masturbate remains strong, yell STOP then recite Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn.

X-JACK:

Repeat Jesus’ Matthew 19:12 about the benefit of becoming a Eunuch for the Kingdom of Heaven. Followed by Amazing Grace karaoke.

11. Tie your hand to the bed frame.

X-JACK:

If, while asleep, you chew off the twist-tie like a trapped wolverine, place it around your neck without going full David Carradine.

If still demon-possessed, track down an exorcist who’s not currently being prosecuted for flogging St. Peter with choirboys.

12. If you are still tempted to masturbate, think of having to bath in a tub of worms, then eat some.

X-JACK:

Caveat: The first Protestant, Martin Luther, said to be a flogger himself, tried this during the Diet at Worms — the pope excommunicated him anyway. But if must do a nightcrawler, make sure its not the Mexican aphrodesiac that led to the downfall of the Mayans – incurable cornhuskers all!