by David Comfort

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, Wrestlemania fans, to Istanbul’s Ataturk Olympic Arena where Vlad the Impaler faces off with Ukraine’s Super-Z for the world title tonight!

In a peace talk breakthrough after a stalemate on the front, Vladimir Putin and Volo Zelenskyy have agreed to a No-Holds-Barred, Winner-Takes-All match. Henry VIII and Francis I did the same five hundred years ago: Hank tapped out after two piledrivers from Frank, then Hank stormed France anyway.

The 75,000-capacity stadium is SRO tonight. In the Red East seats:  Rusties, Chinese, Syrians, Don the Con, and Steven Seagal. In the Blue-and-Yellow West Seats: Ukrainians, Smokin Joe, NATO, the Rock, and Will Smith.

This evening’s ref: Turkey’s Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. And your commentators: Anderson Cooper for CNN, and Tucker Carlson for TASS Fox. Take it away, Gentlemen!

TUCKER CARLSON: The Impaler and Super-Z outta their corners now, steely-eyed, facing off.

ANDERSON COOPER: The Russian strongman in his blackbelt Judo outfit and his mom’s crucifix.

CARLSON: The Ukrainian comedian in his Dancing with the Stars ensemble, stiletto heels and rainbow bolero.

COOPER: Despite the 70-year-old veteran’s prediction he’ll be showered with flowers for eating the 44-year-old rookie’s lunch in Round 1, NATO frets he’ll cross the nuke redline should Super-Z go the distance.

CARLSON: Snowball’s chance in hell– Vlad’s 5 for zip: Georgia, Crimea, Aleppo, Grozny, and the GOP.

COOPER: There’s the whistle from Erdo – let’s rock!

CARLSON: Bitch Slap from Vlad, stunning the funnyman!

COOPER: Super-Z shakes it off, cha-cha’s around the Petersburg Pussy — floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee.

CARLSON: KGB vet slingshots off the ropes, Body Guillotines the globalist. Genius!

COOPER: Z corners up for the Rope-a-Dope. Moscow Midget falling for it, throwing wet-paper-bag body shots.

CARLSON: Pummeling that soft Ukrainian underbelly—de-Nazifying the Jew!

COOPER: Butcher of Bucha already running outta gas.

CARLSON: Fake news! Behind Vlad’s Burning Hammer, Volo airborne over the No-Fly zone!

COOPER: Snags turnbuckle, tucks, rolls, Skins the Cat! Suicide Dive — topples the totalitarian with a Kitchen Sink knee!

CARLSON: Vlad rallies, ass-straddles the thug for the Sirniki Stink Face!

COOPER: Volo on the Shining Wizard: Bench-presses the Impaler, defenestrating him over ropes in a Hangman’s Choke!

CARLSON: Whao – Whao Whao WHAO! Trump tags in, clotheslines the comedian for the Equalizer!

COOPER: Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Sleepy Joe in with no-malarkey Stinger Splashes and Javelins —  pummeling the Trumpanzee with Hunter’s laptop!

CARLSON: 45 beats him off with his Titleist One and dirty Depends.

COOPER: 46 counters the autocrat’s smear with a Chavez Dominion Machine to the noggin!

BEAT……

CARLSON: Redline! Nukes! Vlad’s Novichoked Z’s underpants!

COOPER: Lights out —  the crazy Cossack cut the power grid!

CARLSON: Royal rumble in the stands — Moscow MAGA / Antifa mono e mono!

THUNDEROUS BONZO GONZO CLIMAX.

ARENA LIGHTS FLASH BACK ON, REVEALING:

Vlad and all autocrats on the mat, KOA.

Super-Z, arm in arm with Smokin Joe, fists in the air.

Cooper on Carlson’s trachea with a Cobra Clutch…           .

Scantily-clad Russian working girls file into the ring, drop their trusikis and – to the accompaniment of We Are the World NATO Chorus– golden-shower Don the Con and the Petersburg Pussy.

As the duo awaken and stagger to their feet:

ANDERSON COOPER (blowing a kiss): Rematch in the Hague, gentlemen? Nostrovia!

Copyright © 2022 by David Comfort. All Rights Reserved