(Books referenced in this piece:
The Library Book by Susan Orlean
The Great American Novel by Philip Roth
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
The Only Investment Guide You’ll Ever Need by Andrew Tobias)

What are you reading these days?

The Library Book.

Yeah, but what book is it?

The Library Book.

Okay, maybe I need to ask it a different way. Please state the name of the book you’re reading, as slowly and deliberately as possible.

The. Library. Book.

(Sighing) Let’s try a different tack. This book you’re reading, which for some reason you’re refusing to state the title of — you got it from the library?

No, I have my own copy.

But you said it’s a library book!

Yes, it’s The Library Book. I bought it at Barnes and Noble.

(Long pause.) Did you read a book last month?

Yes.

What was it?

The Great American Novel.

Oh, really impressed you, did it? You read something that’s going to be a game-changer in American literature?

It was okay. Not great.

You just said it was the great American novel!

Yes, it’s The Great American Novel. It was okay.

So…if it was only okay, I hope you didn’t pay a lot of money for it.

No, The Great American Novel was a library book. The Library Book was the one I bought.

(Sotto voce) I’m going to press on, knowing full well it’s going to end in tears…(Normal voice) Did you read a book the month before last?

Yes, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

Wow! Tell me more.

It was wonderful. In fact, I think it might be the great American novel.

You said you read the great American novel last month!

I did. I read The Great American Novel, which was okay, last month. I read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which I’m thinking may be the great American novel, two months ago.

So, the great…uh, the heartbreaking…the staggering library genius novel…ummm…

Look, it’s really very simple. I read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which I’m thinking could be the great American novel, two months ago. I read The Great American Novel, which was okay but not great…although, come to think of it, was heartbreaking in places (low moan from other person)…last month. Those were both library books. And I’m reading The Library Book, which I own, this month.

(To self) As we plunge into full-on masochism…(To other person) What, pray tell, are you planning on reading next month?

I’m glad you asked! I’m planning to turn my attention to something more practical. I’m going to read The Only Investment Guide You’ll Ever Need.

(Cautiously optimistic) Really?

Yes, but I’m such a dummy with that stuff…I’m sure it’s not the only investment guide I’ll ever need.

(Quiet sobbing.)