Congratulations, Mr. Jared Kushner! You have received a federal “Secret” security clearance designation. As a White House employee, a Secret security clearance provides you with the access required for many very important positions. Below is a sampling of the current jobs your Secret clearance makes you eligible for. Following a recent internal review, the White House Human Resources department has renamed many positions in order to better reflect recent changes in our workplace. Welcome to the Trump White House!

White House Postal Overlord (Formerly “Mail Carrier”)

Everybody loves getting mail, and White House senior personnel really love to see their Postal Overlord every morning wheeling in a cart of popular magazines, newspapers and affinity program offers from many of America’s leading companies. In their exit interviews, many veterans of the position have said that being greeted with “Is that Soldier of Fortune for me?” is just as satisfying as having a “Top Secret” security clearance. And in this White House, the postman doesn’t have to worry about dog bites! (Please note: Your Secret security clearance does not permit you to deliver inter-office classified documents, all personal correspondence or any mail in which the postage stamp and/or envelope seal have been licked.)

Rose Garden Horticultural Czar (formerly “Gardener”)

Do you love working in the outdoors, feeling the DC sun on the back of your neck, getting a little dirt under your fingernails and the smell of gasoline? Then, the Hort Czar position is calling your name, Jared Kushner! In this treasured position, you will be responsible for holding the famed White House roses in your very own arms after they have been selected and clipped by the Senior Hort Czar. (The Secret security clearance does not permit you to use shears or a working hose.) After all those years stuck behind a desk, it’s time to stop and smell the roses!

White House Mess Chief Mixing Officer (formerly “Pot Stirrer”)

As President Trump was the first to say, “An army marches on its stomach.” Imagine where the Trump White House would be without Navy Bean Soup to keep it nourished and primed to Make America Great again. The Mess CMO will be responsible for engaging a long-handled wooden spoon (using two hands, at all times) in concert with the hugest copper pot in the world to make the Trump White House soup the finest in the land! Mmmmm, soup’s on, Jared! (Please note: Your Secret security clearance does not permit access to Mess stations where sharp cutlery, glassware or any ingredients requited to make a cheeseburger are present.)

White House Cinema Director (formerly “Light Switch Operator”)

At the by-invitation-only White House Screening Room, the movie can’t start until the Cinema Director turns off the lights! In this vital position, you will be “in the room where it happens” at the beginning and end of such classic American films as “Bloodsport,” “Porky’s,” “Porky’s II” and “Zoolander.” Once the President has completed his watching time, you will be called back into the room to turn the lights on.  Action!

Attorney General of the United States (“Top Secret” clearance previously required)

Enjoy the privileges of this cabinet-level position without the hassle of “knowing too much” or the anxiety of not knowing what you don’t know and having to find out. Do you love curling up with a juicy legal potboiler? Are reruns of old “Law and Order” episodes your guilty pleasure – especially the ones with former U.S. Senator from Tennessee Fred Thompson in them, where he played Manhattan District Attorney Arthur Branch? Ol’ Fred sure was good at teaching those Yankees a thing or two about southern know how. Same goes for “Matlock.” Your Secret security clearance will permit you to craft and enforce laws that affect everyone in the land, based on what you believe feels “right.” Imagine everyone calling you “General.” How great is that?

Jared, these are just a few of the exciting opportunities your Secret security clearance can help turn into your dream job. The list is being updated all the time, and you are encouraged to check back with the White House HR office frequently. As we like to say, “Your ‘Secret’ is safe with us!” Good luck in your job search!