The following medications have been approved for prescription via both our primary care and behavioral health units.  As always, please keep in mind that reimbursement, deductibles, and co-pays will vary according to patients’ insurance coverage.

Bragolene [brag-OH-leen]: An ego-suppressant typically used around winter holiday socializing.  Similar to Pontifaril [pon-TIFF-uh-rill], which is more suitable for year-round use.  Both combine well with alcohol.  Note: Cases of “surreptitious spousal dosing” have been reported; prescribers should caution against such usage.

Bonealot [bone-UH-lot]: One of a new class of extended duration (typically on the order of 72 hours) erectile dysfunction medications categorized as Neo-Priapics [nee-OH-pry-ah-pic].  Notes: Bonealot is not covered by Medicare and has been banned in some 69% of surveyed retirement communities—although some permit exceptions under a spousal override protocol.  Asked about AARP’s position on the medication, a spokesperson would only say “tantric.” [see Wetaril, below]

Guiltazine [gilt-UH-zeen]: Tranquilizer which relieves feelings of responsibility for family members.  Often prescribed in tandem with Blameazone [BLAME-uh-zone], which blunts the tendency to ascribe all of ones failures to same.

Lawneen [LAW-neen]: Used in the treatment of an OCD variant characterized by pathological focus on lawncare—especially in regard to the lawns of neighbors.  Gardenafil [gar-DEN-a-fill], an isomer of Lawneen is often used to treat Garden Envy.  Note: While Lawneen is more typically prescribed for men and Gardenafil for women, both should be viewed as effective on a gender-neutral basis.

Mallase [MAHL-ayz]: Stimulant which counteracts the effects of Shopping Shock.

Pausadone [pause-UH-doan]: Stimulant medication which counteracts the tendency of older people to lose their train of thought.

Procon [PRO-con]: Used to treat Wildly High Ambivalence Syndrome (WHAS).

Porchazac [porch-UH-zac]: Antidepressant specifically formulated to treat Porch Potato Syndrome.

Rackanef [rack-UH-nuff]: Combined muscle relaxant, soporific, and narcotic used to ease the pain of sleeping on the foldout couches of friends and relatives.  Note: This is a Schedule Two medication under US law, is considered to have a high potential for abuse, and is not meant for use in excess of three times per month.

Rageacillin [rage-UH-sill-en]: Mood balancing medication for overly aggressive drivers.  Note: While federally approved, the modes of delivery of this medication vary according to local laws.  Texas, Alaska, and Puerto Rico are currently the only jurisdictions in which “dart gun dosing” is permissible.

Wetaril [wet-UH-rill]: A female analog to Bonealot.  While this medication has been withdrawn from the market—a strong correlation with spousal exhaustion syndrome having been documented, with a concomitant rise in fatal cardiac events—protests have resulted in the convening of a special panel which is widely believed to have been stacked to reverse that decision.