1. Kill Supervillains

We could pretty much just stop there; the rest, as they say, is commentary.  But having already attempted this as a two-word edict—with no discernible effect whatsoever—we felt that going with a more comprehensive Advisory would be a reasonable escalation.  This should not be complicated, really.  Long and tragic experience has made clear that Supervillains cannot simply be “stopped,” that there is no “reasoning” with them, that they cannot be “trusted” [see our previous Advisory: “Making Deals with Supervillains is Dumb”].  The only way to deter Supervillains is to kill them.  Please take your jobs seriously and do so.

2. Methods of Attack

We will not descend into another tired argument regarding the headscratchingly bizarre resistance that almost all of you have shown to the use of firearms.  That said, given that most of you work with “civilians” or with the police on at least a semi-regular basis, we need to emphasize that Supervillains who have been “winged” with a bullet or bullets should be considered to have been damaged not at all.  The bullet that “just grazed the forehead,” “nipped the outer bicep,” or hit “that place just in from the shoulder that never seems to do any meaningful harm,” is utterly inconsequential [see also, “The Fallacy of Hitting Someone on the Head Just Hard Enough to Knock Them Out for Five Minutes—While Never Causing Any Knock-On Medical Consequences”].

3. Disposition of Captured Villains

Supervillains do not “stay where you put them.”  This should be blindingly obvious by now.  It does not make sense to put them in asylums or prisons or job training programs.  None of these things stick [see also, “Sending Supervillains to Congress is Not the Answer!”].

4. Verification of Death

Don’t Take the Lazy Way Out!  When you “assume,” you make an “ass” out of “u & me.”  “Explosion no one could have survived,” “weighed down and thrown into body of water/vat of acid/improbably large bowl of soup,” “body riddled with bullets,” “consumed the world’s most poisonous toxin, to which there is no known antidote,” etc., etc., etc., none of these things reliably assure that a Supervillain is really dead.  You must SEE THE CORPSE—and keep it under direct observation until disposal is complete.

5. Disposal of Corpses

No job is done until you’ve cleaned up.  Once you have SEEN the corpse, you must make sure that it is properly and thoroughly disposed of.  What with the ongoing surplus of out of work STEM PhDs, resurrection has become something of a cottage industry.  Destruction of the corpse must be . . . thorough.  Our current Best Practices Guidelines recommend incineration, to be followed by the ashes—divided into six to eight portions, distributed globally—being shot into space.  This is meant to guard against the latest nuisance: DNA Resurrection.  “No Strand [of DNA] Left Behind!” should be your daily watchwords.

6. The Killing of Henchpersons

[Yes, we’ve gone back to gender-neutral; we had a meeting.]: We think it important to note here that you don’t “get credit” for killing nameless, faceless, underlings—no matter the method or quantity.  Throwing a handful of thugs off a roof means nothing if it does not stop the Supervillain—frankly it looks more like showing off.

7. Tedious and Inconsistent Moralizing

The “We’re the Good Guys; We Don’t Kill People” thing is really getting old.  This is especially true given that many of you seem to have little periodic tantrums when someone you really care about is harmed, where you fume that, “This time, I’m going to kill him!”  And then . . . you don’t—which causes both confusion and disappointment all around.  C’mon guys!  Your credibility is on the line here: Do your jobs!