By Tim Daly

Title: Marry or Murder

Logline: Two strangers, paired up by relationship experts with shady credentials, will choose to either marry their new partner or murder them.

No visual tricks. No special effects. We’re talkin’ actual homicide. It’s gonna be wild.

Synopsis: Watching people meet, hook up, and get married all within a 30-minute episode (including commercials) is a hack idea and, frankly, boring. This derivative dating show format needs a new and spicy final act: the act of killing.

Each episode will begin with a couple meeting each other for the first time, and end with the birth of a sacred partnership or (hopefully) death… You read that right. Every episode we’ll see someone get married or meet their maker. Every. Single. One. I honestly can’t wait.

As for the legality of televised murder, don’t worry about it. Let your big network lawyers figure that one out. Just tell them it’ll be tasteful and nuanced, and morticians on set will be a must. As the old adage goes: “If there’s a viewer, there’s a way. Especially if that ‘viewer’ is millions of viewers.” Or something like that, you get the gist.

Episode Structure – 3 Acts

Act 1 – Fatal Impressions

The two contestants meet in a quaint, charming, old, abandoned warehouse that’s nestled far out of earshot. Each is given a rose and a .22 Caliber Ruger. Both of which can be used, without warning, at any time during the episode.

If a rose is presented, the couple will get hitched on the spot, thus entering a life-changing, legally binding contract with a stranger on tv. That’d be kinda lame though, right?

Or (God willing)…

If a Ruger is brandished, the whole world gets to watch as some poor schlub enters a spiritually binding contract with the after-life. I don’t wanna be biased but I’m totally rooting for this outcome.

*I know what you’re thinking and YES, of course people will want to be on this show. Need I remind you of Farmer Wants a Wife, Fear Factor, Married at First Sight, Kid Nation, Mr. Personality, Shattered, Splash, etc.? It’s just like that line from that Kevin Costner movie: “If you build a show on a major network, they will come.” Just throw in a cash prize or something. Stop being negative.

Act 2 – Heart on a Swivel

In various locations around the warehouse, the newly acquainted couple will get to know each other through hot tub, fondue, and wine-related activities.

Scene Example: One of the contestants playfully uncorks a bottle, while the other quietly draws their mini-revolver… I hear Merlot pairs great with Murder.

Clever alliterations aside, I don’t think we should encourage contestants to pull the trigger too early. It’s probably best to build up to the homicide. Actually, never mind. I take that back. How insane would it be if we witnessed an actual murder before the second commercial break? Viewers would go nuts, I love it.

Act 3 – Shotgun Wedding or just the Shotgun?

It’s decision time and I’m licking my chops just thinking about it. We up the ante by replacing the contestant’s rose and Ruger with an engagement ring and TenPoint Nitro Crossbow. They split up and privately choose whether they’re going to say “I do” with the ring or “You’re literally dead to me” with a tactical assault weapon.

At high noon, the couple stands back to back and takes ten paces forward before turning around. If all goes well, one sorry son of a bitch will propose on one knee, while the other takes aim on one knee.

Now for the money-maker shot (please excuse the crass pun – I’m just so pumped to see this shit go down in real life this show’s gonna be a hit I know it): Okay. In the final scene, we watch with mouths agape as an arrow flying at 470 feet per second breaks the metaphorical and actual heart of a real live human being.

It’ll be a little sad, but mostly the craziest fucking thing that anyone has ever seen on a dating show. So intense. So raw. Truly – it will be reality television at its finest.

We then roll credits and wait for old man Nielsen to call up wondering where all his ratings went. “They’re ours now, old man,” we’ll explain. Because the only thing that sells better than a tv wedding is actual murder.