By Paul Mortenson

6 November 2016

Take this brief questionnaire to find out. Caution: answers to all question choices are incorrect.

Donald Trump Section

If Donald Trump is elected President, do you plan to

1. seek refuge in a monastery or convent
2. move to Tierra del Fuego
3. produce a film noir entitled, “Our Best Years are Behind Us.”
4. actively seek asylum with Edward Snowden in Moscow

If Donald Trump is elected President, will you

1. declare the rest of your life a mental health day
2. study elephants whose memory is far longer than that of the American public
3. volunteer for a one-way space mission to the asteroid belt
4. raise funds with Rush Limbaugh to clone DNA of Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew

If Donald Trump is elected President, will you

1. throw yourself into a campaign to stamp out literacy as a public nuisance
2. throw yourself in front of a tortoise race to be trampled
3. throw your clothes off and become a nudist
4. throw in the towel

If Donald Trump is elected President, will you

1. run for the nearest abandoned mineshaft
2. run a profitable casino into bankruptcy
3. run a drug dependency clinic for liberals
4. run for the PTA in Ulan Bator, Mongolia

Pick the thing that is higher than Donald Trump’s ego

1. the Sears Tower in Chicago
2. Mount Kilimanjaro
3. the IQs of Chinese hackers
4. the national debt

If Donald Trump is elected President, who should be his Secretary of State?

1. Raul Castro, dictator of Cuba
2. Ted Cruz, acerbic Republican presidential hopeful
3. Clint Eastwood, monosyllabic Hollywood actor/director
4. Anthony Wiener, disgraced New York internet exhibitionist congressman

If Donald Trump is elected President, who should be his Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare?

1. Morbidly obese Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie
2. Hulk Hogan
3. a naturalized and rehabilitated Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea
4. KKK Grand Wizard David Duke

If Donald Trump is elected President, who should be on his Women’s Rights Advisory Council?

1. The UCLA football cheerleaders
2. The Texas A and M football cheerleaders
3. The Ohio State football cheerleaders
4. Publisher of Playboy Magazine Hugh Hefner

If Donald Trump is elected President, who should be his Chief of Staff?

1. Whoopi Goldberg
2. Steven Colbert
3. Lady Gaga
4. Donald Trump

If Donald Trump is elected President, who should be his White House Press Secretary?

1. Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president and chief executive officer of the NRA
2. comedians Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon
3. TV personality Oprah Winfrey
4. TV personality Betty White

If Donald Trump is elected President, should there be a new cabinet post for “Republican Hair,” and who should be on it in addition to Donald Trump?

1. Former Republican Massachusetts Governor presidential hopeful Mitt Romney
2. Former Speaker of the House and political rival Newt Gingrich
3. A token woman–any token woman
4. A token Democrat, a picture of the late Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy

If Donald Trump is elected President, what is the first thing you would like him to do?

1. move to Papua, New Guinea and seek a haircut from local headhunters
2. build a wall around Trump Towers
3. take basic anatomy to distinguish between the foot and the mouth
4. realize that more money could be made elsewhere and surrender the presidency to former governors Jesse Ventura and Sarah Palin (presidency/vice presidency to be determined by a coin toss)

If Donald Trump is NOT elected President, what is the first thing you would like him to do?

1. move to Papua, New Guinea and seek a haircut from local headhunters
2. build a wall around Trump Towers
3. take basic anatomy to distinguish between the foot and the mouth
4. realize that more money could be made elsewhere and surrender the presidency to former governors Jesse Ventura and Sarah Palin (presidency/vice presidency to be determined by a coin toss)

Hillary Clinton Section

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, will you

1. burn a bra in celebration
2. burn a bra in protest
3. burn all your bridges and leave immediately for Uzbekistan
4. burn out

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, will you

1. if a woman, completely overhaul your wardrobe in favor of pantsuits
2. if a man, seek a more definitive definition of “have sex with”
3. if a woman, swell with pride at seeing the first woman president finally, ninety-four years after enfranchisement
4. if a man, know that as keeper of the TV remote, you can mute her at any time

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, will you

1. seek to overturn “Obama Care”
2. seek to preserve “Obama Care”
3. seek to overturn the government
4. seek to preserve Obama in similar fashion to the remains of Lenin in Moscow

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, will you

1. go over Niagara Falls in a barrel
2. leap off the Golden Gate Bridge
3. attempt a round-trip swim of the English Channel from London to Paris
4. eat a burger and fries and then swim from the Mackinac Bridge to Chicago

Now that Donald Trump is trying to be “more black,” what group should Hillary Clinton try to be more like?

1. Episcopalians
2. Freudian psychoanalysts
3. the Bolshoi Ballet
4. MI6, part of the UK’s Secret Intelligence Service

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, who should she appoint as Secretary of State?

1. comedian turned car collector/enthusiast Jay Leno
2. former comedian turned politician Al Franken
3. comedian Jon Stewart
4. comedian turned car collector/enthusiast Jerry Seinfeld

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, who should be her White House Chief of Staff?

1. His Holiness the Dalai Lama
2. Dancing with the Stars Host Tom Bergeron
3. Former political rival Senator Bernie Sanders
4. Former First Lady Michelle Obama

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, who should head her Special Committee on Men and their Problems?

1. recent transgender Olympic Gold Medalist Caitlyn Jenner
2. former tennis star and lesbian advocate Billie Jean King
3. women’s rights advocate Gloria Steinem
4. token man Pope Francis

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, who should be her Secretary of Homeland Security?

1. comedian Bill Murray
2. comedian Chevy Chase
3. comedian Jon Stewart
4. shock jock Howard Stern

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, what is the agenda she should follow?

1. Peace Through PR
2. Economic Parity/Limited Transparency
3. A Fair Shake in an Unfair Planet
4. Freedom from Reality

If Hillary Clinton is elected President, what is the first thing you would like her to do?

1. move to the White House and never leave
2. move in with her private server and never leave
3. move in to her e-mail fantasy world and never leave
4. move anywhere and never leave

If Hillary Clinton is NOT elected President and you were stranded on a desert island with her, would you

1. if a woman, clothe yourself in mud and leaves, reasoning that anything is better than a pantsuit
2. if a man, seek once more and with increased fervor a more definitive definition of “have sex with”
3. in lieu of using her private server, throw a message for help in a bottle
4. in lieu of using her private server, throw yourself into a bottle

For security reasons, when you are finished, it is recommended that you seek employment outside the United States. Consolation prize: knowledge that regardless of who the winner of the presidential race is, the American people will be the losers.

No candidate has approved this message.

Paul Mortenson is a semi-retired jack of all trades including singer/actor, editor, public school and college teacher, ambulance driver and hospital orderly, human services bureaucrat, radio announcer, historical re-enactor/lecturer, school counselor and poet. He has worked part-time as a professional voice instructor for over thirty years as a member of the National Association of Teachers of Singing (NATS). While new to the realm of political commentary and satire, he feels fortunate to begin with this particularly anomalous presidential election supplying fertile ground for commentary. An advocate of the “Vacuous” school of thought, he relies on his personally time-tested method of staring vacantly into space for protracted periods of time for his material.