By Martin H. Levinson

A majority of Republicans believe there was widespread fraud in the 2020 presidential election. They’re totally right but, like the rest of the country, they don’t know the half of it. Well, let me fill everyone in.

In Pennsylvania, the night before the election, a bunch of Quakers, Amish people, Philadelphia Phillies fans, and Antifa supporters drove the length and breadth of the Keystone State warning Republican voters to not show up at the polls the following day. They said if they voted, their children would be taken from them and sent to work at a child-sex ring operated by Hillary Clinton in the basement of a pizzeria in Washington, DC. They also said if they were caught voting they would be smeared on the internet as heretics and doubters of the homilies of Hannity, the teachings of Tucker, the impressions of Ingraham, and the orations of O’Reilly.

In Georgia, pecan pies were sent to registered Republican voters in October 2020 that had microchips embedded in the pecans, which when ingested would cause a person to pull the lever for Joe Biden on Election Day. The pies were accompanied by a letter saying they were a gift from Donald Trump, who wanted Georgians to know he was sweet on their state and wished to share his good feelings with people who desired to make America great again, like it was before 1865.

In Wisconsin, Democratic Party apparatchiks based in Madison, Marquette, and Milwaukee scrubbed Trump’s name off ballots that were sent to the rural areas of the Badger State. When voters noticed the deletions on Election Day they were told if they wanted to vote for Trump they could write his name in on the ballot. What they were not told is they were writing his name with invisible ink—unbeknownst to Wisconsin voters, Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, and activist members of the Black Lives Matters movement had bribed election officials throughout America’s Dairyland to have invisible ink pens used at their polling places. Needless to say, Trump write-in votes weren’t counted.

In Michigan, Michael Moore, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Karl Marx, Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, Harpo Marx, and thousands of other Marxists snuck into polling sites on election eve and inserted bugs invented in a lab next to a wet market in Wuhan into voting machines that triggered those machines to register Trump votes as Biden votes. A group of LGBT nihilists also ran around the night before the election puncturing the tires of cars owned by Republicans, which meant many of those car owners were flat out of luck getting to the polls the next day.

In Arizona, drug dealers, Mexican rapists, people who kneel during the national anthem at sporting events, women who resist being grabbed by the pussy, Anderson Cooper, and other bad people formed caravans that traveled across the Grand Canyon State to polling sites where they voted early and often. When they were questioned because their names were not on the voting rolls, they produced forged letters from Sheriff Joe Arpaio saying the reason their names were not on the rolls was because their names had been mistakenly put on bagels and brioches that were sent to bakeries instead of to election officials. Arpaio vouched for the bearers of the letters, saying they were true blue Arizonans who believed in racially profiling Latinos, denying prisoners basic human rights in jails, and in the simple notion that you can’t own too many guns, votes, or presidential pardons.

All these facts were presented at the sixty-plus court challenges that Trump mounted after the election but they did not sway the judges because they were put under a spell by Democratic operatives disguised as bailiffs who hypnotized them into dismissing the evidence. And so justice was subverted and Joe Biden now sits on a throne that should have gone to Donald Trump who sits in exile at Mar-a-Lago. But Trump is planning a comeback, which can happen if Republican officeholders do the right thing and pass legislation to prohibit people from voting. E pluribus screw em. To quote the opening lines of Jefferson Davis’s address to the confederates at the start of the Civil War, “It’s morning in America; time to toast some white bread, deport some Mexicans, grab an AR-15, and make America great again!”