By Martin H. Levinson

The coronavirus is killing people in Asia, Europe, and other places but that bug won’t get us because we’re too smart and cool to suffer shit like other nations. I know what you’re thinking: the CDC has reported some people have died here due to the coronavirus so how can I say that bug won’t get us? The answer to that question is that the folks who have died on our soil were not Americans since if they were Americans they‘d still be living. The individuals that croaked were in all likelihood Chinese, Mexican, or Guatemalan immigrants who snuck into the country years ago with the purpose of taking American jobs and getting free health care.

Should Americans be worried about the coronavirus? Hell no! America is the strongest nation on the planet with a military that’s ten times larger than all the other countries in the world combined. Do you think an itty-bitty, tiny microbe would stand a chance against an F-18 fighter jet armed with laser-guided munitions, a Zumwalt-class naval destroyer carrying Tomahawk missiles, or an M1 Abrams tank? I don’t believe so and neither does Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Rush Limbaugh, multimedia superstar Sean Hannity, all the hosts of FOX & Friends, and any really important person in the know.

There’s talk out there that people should cover their mouths when coughing and sneezing, wash their hands when they go from outside to inside their homes, and not show up at work if they feel sick. Really??? That’s not the American way. We’re not pansies who worry about where we cough and sneeze or about washing our hands. And we always go to work when we’re sick. We use sick days when we’re healthy to take longer vacations or hang out at home. The Indians died by the tens of thousands from diseases brought here by white men who came to this continent. And what did the white guys suffer? Nothing except maybe a random case of indigestion from eating buffalo meat. During the Spanish flu of 1918 who died? It wasn’t us. It was people living in Spain, which is why they called it “Spanish flu.”

Americans are the healthiest people on earth, living on average to be a hundred or more unless they eat organic food or are vegetarians—these last two groups normally die in their fifties with their shorts and running shoes on but because of their diet they usually expire in good health. The typical American eats all kinds of crap and it has no effect on their health. Exhibit A: The president of this great country, who is as healthy as a horse and practically as big as one, loves the food at McDonalds, Burger King, and KFC.

Some people say the rest of the developed world has a better healthcare system than the United States. That’s not true, but what is true is that the people in those countries get sick a lot more and get taxed a lot more than we do so they better have a good healthcare system. We don’t need a good healthcare system, as we’re in good health, though I suppose all the hype and hoop-la about how horrible the coronavirus is could make us sick.

Want to feel better after listening to the doom-and-gloomers in the media who are trying to frighten people into thinking the coronavirus is a big deal? Then go out and buy all the facemasks, hand sanitizer, and toilet paper you can find in the stores and sell them at a thousand times the price you paid to the scaredy-cats fearful of catching the coronavirus virus. Aside from all the money you will make doing this, you’ll get a good laugh, which will help your immune system.

And go out and have a good time. Book a cruise, fly to Italy, take a vacation in China: right now you can do any of those things for a song. Remember, we’re Americans and that makes us exceptional. The laws of nature don’t apply to us. The only laws we have to worry about are the ones the Democrats will pass if they take control of Congress in November because that will make us all sick and cause us to suffer “bigly.”