The Smell of Success & Determination: Musk’s Burnt Hair vs. Trump’s Fight Fight Fight!

by David Comfort

Power guys have loved colognes since ancient times. Alexander the Great and Mohammad wore woody musks from the anal glands of Himalayan bucks. The Caesars bathed in floral scents accented with gladiator sweat. Napoleon and Hitler rocked the citrusy 4711 Eau de Cologne. Responding in 1990, Chanel released Egoiste Eau De Toilette, “The fragrance for the extrovert who isn’t afraid of making himself known.” The market was soon flooded with pheromone-fortified updates: Versace’s Eros, Dior’s Sauvage, Malle’s Carnal Flower.

Jumping the bandwagon recently, Elon Musk — father of 14 – released Burnt Hair, “The essence of repugnant desire.” Perfumers describe the $100 per bottle, Eau de Elon, as “BO forward” with a finish of “ashtray.” The Take-a-Big Step-Back-and-Fuck-Yourself-in-the-Face richest man in the world is said to shower his Gen-Z DOGE troops with Burnt Hair before they smoke DEI slackers out of their offices and vape the smell of napalm in the morning.

Not to be upstaged, the billionaire’s boss, Donald Trump, just released his FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and VICTORY 47 “For Patriots Who Never Back Down.” “Curated to capture the essence of success and determination,” the scents are touted as “Your Rallying Cry in A Bottle.” The first run, at $200 per bottle, sold out overnight, outperforming his autographed Bibles, superhero dolls, and Never-Surrender! sneakers.

The Commander in Chief broke into perfumery after former congressman, Adam Kinzinger, described his personal aroma as “armpit, ketchup, make-up and butt.” Due to his Adderall IBS, market mavens are already predicting a FFF 2.0: Trump Eau De Dump. Decocted from the president’s Depends, the nose is expected to be Fumé Blanc Kentucky Fried Chicken forward with a crisp Top Secret doc finish.

Since the recent Brooklyn Corpse Flower blossom drew SRO crowds — leading the president to pardon the Proud Boys for dropping their own corpse flowers in the Capital Building on J6 — Fortune magazine predicts another windfall for Diaper Don should he capitalize his manly pungence.

On Valentines Day, Musk shut down speculation about a bromance crash and burn should his Burnt Hair outsell the executive fragrance, and he claim the Resolute Desk boogered by his 5 year old son. “I love DonaldTrump as much as a straight man can,” he confessed on X. Indeed, should his boss release a 2.0 colon cologne, the South African’s Assperger’s would likely become more pronounced, if not completely unchecked.

Whatever happens, the musks from the two MAGA Midases may prove to be the trump card in smoking the Danes out of Greenland, the Canadians out of Canada, and, last but not least, the poopoo-phobic Pelosi out of Congress.