By Lauren LoGiudice

May 2016

Since I started reciting Austin Power quotes at parties, the guys at Toastmasters expect laughs from me. But doing Trump? They went wild and promised to book me at their next office party.

Maybe this can be my ticket out of being a real estate agent?

November 2016

Photo shoot! Donned (ha!) my new Trump wig from Kmart, old platform shoes found by my wife Donna (ha! ha!), and a tie held together by scotch tape.

My investment will recoup 10 fold and I will CRUSH.

February 2017

I went to an open mic, half filled with a real audience. The jealous loser comedians told their friends not to laugh.

March 2017

Booked my first gig, so bought a Mercedes. Donna worried about payments, but I don’t see what could go wrong – I’m Trump!

July 2017

I’m booking, as Don would say, BIGLY. As my career takes off, should I get a new wife?

October 2017

Today I quit being a real estate agent. Impersonating Trump takes all my time.

An average day: lunchtime office gig, a dinner retirement party, then I’m in front of the TV by 11:30 with pen in hand to watch Kimmel, Colbert, Fallon, then Conan, Corden, and Meyers. My favorite jokes to borrow are Fallon’s.

November 2017

Today some stupid broad from NY who does Donald’s wife, Melania, emailed me with the nerve to suggest I hire her. Why would I do that? She’ll no doubt want more than the 2% I give to my usual Melania, my neighbor with the big tits.

January 2018

Booked solid for the next two months. Seriously considering wife upgrade.

December 2018

Accepted a request to be on a podcast. The host drilled me with questions about character development. As if that’s important. What a bitch!

March 2019

DREAM gig. Private jet. Five-star hotel. Ran on stage with an umbrella I didn’t share with Melania and then threw paper towels into the packed crowd. I exited amidst projections of lewd sharpie drawings and toilet paper on my shoe. How do I think of these things?

One downfall. Like a snake in Eden, my Melania voiced a concern: Was the crowd laughing at me?

May 2019

Fucking cancel culture! Corporate bookings dried up. They’re “terrified” of bad press.  Hypocrites! Woke in the streets, MAGAs in the voting sheets.

If they don’t like what comes out of my mouth then they shouldn’t have funded Trump’s presidential campaign.

So I’m working private parties now. Still crushing although for less money.

August 2019

Quiet summer. Wives – with secret lesbian crushes on that Rapinoe broad – won’t let their husbands book me.

October 2019

Car repossessed. I blame it on the Democrats.

December 2019

My mom booked me at her retirement community in Boca. They love Trump down there so I’m “doing the circuit,” performing up and down the East and West Coast of Florida.

After the show someone always gives me a baked good.

So now I have a trunk full of fruit cakes and marzipan.

January 2020

I’m selling real estate again until people can stop being pussies.

February 2020

Canadians for Trump didn’t pay for my travel, but I flew myself up for the gig, since afterwards I can load up on pills and make a killing reselling them to my mom’s retirement community during my next tour.

Late February 2020

I got a children’s birthday party gig off one of the websites. I did a few jokes, then the kids decorated my head with items from the dress-up corner while I hugged a flag. The parents fed me screwdrivers, so not a bad day of work.

April 2020

Plandemic shut down. Got a few virtual gigs when I lowered my price on Fiverr.

Real estate’s a joke. Not laughing.

August 2020

Doing so many online greetings that I don’t even bother washing off the orange. Like interest, I let it compound on itself.

December 2020

He’ll always be my president.

January 2021

I got a huge laugh when my veneers fell out in the middle of a Zoom gig. I started to go into my immigration bit, but they muted me and kept on laughing.

To top it off they checked the “service” box on PayPal and the resulting fee won’t cover a bottle of Better Bond.

February 2021

Tour in Boca cancelled. Considering swallowing all the pills myself.

April 2021

My first live gig in over a year. As soon as I stepped on stage they booed and hurled tomatoes in my direction. Afterwards they handed me an envelope with $20. I tried to say thank you, but they clapped me on the back and took a photo with their middle finger up.

Lauren LoGiudice is an actor, comedian, and character chameleon originally from Queens. Lauren’s work has been featured by The New York Times, McSweeney’s, BBC, Roma C’e’, Bust Magazine, and NY1, among others. She is the Amazon Kindle bestselling author of Inside Melania: What I Know About Melania Trump by Impersonating Her.