The New Gettysburg Address: Only $99.99!

by Frank Palmeri and Ted Wendelin

(Now Available! Your personalized copy of the Address, printed on velour and tastefully framed in 100% authentic imitation 14-carat plated gold frame with a certificate of authenticity, totally yours now, for only $99.99!!)

You know, about fourscore years ago or so, a new being was born on this continent from his rich father, really self-conceived in the desire of mastery and dedicated to the proposition that northern Europeans are better, superior like, and that losers deserve what they get. That super new being is ME!—your favorite Leader.

Now we are engaged in a great uncivil war, testing whether the socialist scum, anarchist thugs, and drug-dealing, murderous immigrants will destroy our America of white, Christian men, who will not be replaced. We are gathered today in this beautiful park, where I’m told there are some soldiers who died in some big battle, though I can’t see what was in it for them—I like soldiers who don’t die in battle. But those brave rebels defending the society run by good decent white slaveholders were not really losers because their ideas have been strong and survived, in ME! Like them, I’m being persecuted—for all of you—and I’m here today to pledge that the Good Book and your Leader will triumph, and will save you and all victims of the corrupt, communist Deep State.

But could anything make this hill better than being reborn as the Gettysburg historical theme park with the most lights and rides you’ve ever seen, and we will make this happen, yes we will, where every real American can celebrate our upcoming victory against racist prosecutors, socialist scum, antifa thugs, and low water-use toilets. The world will little note nor long remember what has been done on any battlefield, including this one, but it will long remember what I say here today: Let’s take back our country again, and I will lead you to new greatness!

It is for us, then, to dedicate ourselves to a newly number-one country, which right now is a hellhole of crime, losers, and lots of germs, with racist big-city mayors and a totally corrupt crime family in control—it’s a disgrace—but when I am your Leader again I will make it even greater again. I will clean out all un-American, non-northern European impurities and migrants, really vicious animals, let me tell you. Let us then dedicate ourselves to the cause for which real Americans right now! are giving their last full measure of money, to ME and my campaign, and to the rule of the Strong Man who can take our country back and save all of you, who will not be replaced. And once our New America has been fully foundered, producing a new birth for ME, let us take the pledge that finally, government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall perish from the face of the earth.

MAGAA! Make America Great Again! Again!!