The Geographic Name Game

By Martin H. Levinson

President Trump has signed executive orders naming the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America and the Alaskan mountain Denali as Mount McKinley. He could make other name changes to help restore America’s greatness. For example:

The Statue of Liberty is officially labeled “Liberty Enlightening the World,” a silly designation as liberty typically leads to bad behavior, to wit, the mayhem in the French Revolution and the expression “taking liberties.” The Democrats took loads of liberties going after the president for presumed misdeeds done in his first term in office, not realizing he could wait the law out, get reelected, and sic the Department of Justice on them. To underscore the stupidity of Democrat effrontery, and warn foreigners sailing into New York harbor that they best be coming here legally, Trump should sign an executive order relabeling the Statue of Liberty The Statue of Retribution.

Vengeance is mine saith the lord, a quality also shared by his representative on earth, the cosmic king of caprice and cruelty Donald J. Trump and his carnivalesque MAGA supporters. What better way to honor the importance of payback in this land of endless grudges than by renaming Lady Liberty for it.

Trump wants to buy Greenland, which he says is vital for US security. He may also want the world’s largest island because of the rare minerals it contains and, with the Arctic melting, for shipping routes that might open up in that part of the world. The Danes would be wise to sell Greenland to the US, as polls show most Greenlanders don’t like Danish rule. If they do sell, Trump would be wise to name the country North Mar-a-Lago Land, as attaching the name of his Florida club to that nation would entice people from all over to go there. To raise money for Uncle Sam a public golf course with Trump’s name on it could be constructed, with the licensing fee going to Trump.

Rio Grande is Spanish for Big River, a pretty bland title considering there are lots of large bodies of water across the globe. To give America’s immigration policy a lift, DJT could rename the Rio Grande, the Rio Very Grand, Full of Alligators, Snakes and Things that Go Bump in the Night. While this is kind of a mouthful it’s message is clear, unless you don’t speak English—which is probably the case for most border-crossers heading into Los Estados Unidos. To ease that problem the name could be put into Spanish, Río Muy Grande Lleno de Caimanes, Serpientes y Cosas que Chocan en la Noche. Renaming the Rio Grande is way cheaper than building a wall and has the added value of teaching Americans a foreign lenguaje. Ay caramba, is this a fantástico idea or what!

There are two things wrong with the name New Mexico: New and Mexico. The Mexicans lost the territory after America’s intrusion into Mexico in 1846 led them to fight the Mexican War, which Mexico labels, sore losers that they are, the US Intervention in Mexico. Trump should retag the state West Mar-a-Lago Land since, per Greenland, such a name would get people to go there. Tariffs could be imposed on foreigners that enter the state and, for graciously lending the name of his club to the area, Trump would receive a cut of the proceeds.

Finally, Trump should rechristen the United States of America, a land whose states are far from united, Trump Nation. Given that #47 won his election with over 90% of the vote, and pretty much everyone everywhere loves the man, there is no more desirable label. The name change could be made by executive order and would be the cherry on top of a national neologizing effort that only a world-class genius, like the current mental giant in the White House, could possibly pull off.