The Ten Eleven Commandments, according to Donald J. Trump

by Stephen J. Lyons

1. I am the LORD, your one and only God, who brought you out of the Swamp, out of the house of Clinton and Biden. You shall have no other gods before or after Me. And, for a limited time, my Bible is now on sale for the reduced price of $39.99 plus postage.
2. My likeness and hair are copyright protected, here on earth and in the heaven above and seas below, or is it the earth beneath, or the water under the earth? (Heck, you choose!); you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God (Got that Melania!), visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third wife, of the first two of those who hate Me and our binding pre-nups and NDAs, and, but showing mercy only to those who love Me as does Elon Musk, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani, and those other sycophants indicted, jailed, or not, who faithfully keep My commandments.
3. You shall not take the name of Trump your God in vain, for I and my minions will not hold him guiltless who takes my name in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it available for 36 holes of golf at any one of my incredible courses of which exorbitant membership fees apply. The other six days you shall labor in cubicles and make barely enough to keep you afloat, but on the seventh day you must send me a check or money order to cover my mounting legal expenses. For in six five four days I made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and many incredible luxury properties around the world of which you cannot afford to stay.
5. Honor your father (Me!) and all things Trumpian, and that your days may be just long enough upon the land that you shall buy my merch and then cast your vote for me and none other.
6. You shall not murder unless I order you to do so. Stand back and stand by.
7. You shall not commit adultery, unless your loyal wife is with child, or unless your mistress has appeared in various adult films. Send me photos of said mistress first and I shall decide.
8. You shall not steal, but inflating your properties and being too smart to pay your full tax bill is totally allowed.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless that neighbor is of darker color and/or flies a flag you do not like. Example: BLM flags. Then call me and my people will take care of it for a modest donation.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house unless it is twice the size of yours and has an infinity pool; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife unless she is really hot like my daughter Ivanka, nor his male servant (note: probably an illegal), nor his female servant unless she is equally or more ravishing than your neighbor’s wife or teenage daughter.”
11. God had a measly ten commandments, but His time has passed. That was so First Century or whenever! I have Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood, Vladimir Putin, the Supreme Court, and a host of attorneys on retainer that might or might not get paid. Aside from the incredibly gorgeous Mary Magdalene, God had nothing! No sellable merchandise, no public relations machine, and no bankable achievements. Not to mention all the pestilence and floods during his watch. Face it, God was such a weak god, a bearded, unkempt lefty who spouted all that liberal crap about compassion, love-thy-neighbor, and forgiveness (forgiveness, WTF?). WAY TOO WOKEY! So, for my 11^th Commandment: I implore you to buy my latest limited 2024 Donald Trump Assassination Attempt Trading Card, or my “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!” high-tops, or my Victory 47 cologne. Trust me, you’ll smell a lot fresher than what’s-his-name!

Stephen J. Lyons is the author of six books of reportage and essays, most recently “Searching for Home: Misadventures with Misanthropes” (Finishing Line Press).