That Time in 2019 I Dog-Sat for Sam Bankman-Fried

By Karen Rizzo

A Note From: SBF

To: Dog Sitter Rizzo

Hello, Ms. Rizzo.

Welcome to my home.

I am not sorry that an important prior commitment prevented me from greeting you in person on your first day dog-sitting Moneyball. “Sorry” implies that I hurt or upset you or any other member of the human race. Certainly, that is not the case because coming from a family of effective altruists I am committed to doing the most good for the greatest number of people. Therefore, the most good I could possibly do was not to take the time to greet you in person.

Please help yourself to whatever is in the fridge. It is well stocked with vegan options from the local food cooperative. If you do have to eat meat, please don’t do it in the house, and don’t do it in the vicinity of Moneyball because his diet is meat-and-grain-free and he is food-aggressive. In fact, best to brush your teeth before returning to the house because if Moneyball smells animal flesh on your breath he will maul you to death, in which case I will have to interrupt my busy schedule to return home and insure that all your functioning organs are swiftly bequeathed to needy recipients (the least I can do).

I’ve left some digital spending money in my cryptocurrency wallet for incidentals and local causes (Please see instructions on page two for the wallet’s online address and 24 secret security phrases). Do not share those phrases with anyone otherwise I will have your left kidney extracted (Ha. That’s a joke our family friend Pete Singer used to use on me).

If Marissa from next door tries to hit you up for contributions to her children’s school fundraiser, please ask what, specifically, the funds will be used for. (Last year they were to hire Rick Ruben to teach the school’s music tech classes—totally unacceptable because Rick admittedly knows nothing about music.)

You may research acceptable charities—that is to say the most impactful and cost-effective ones—through a group I founded: www.Sammyseffectivealtruisticpicks.org (not to be confused with Sammyseffectivealtruisticpicks.com, which is a defunct Off Track Betting site I created as a third-grader). If the charity seems acceptable, ask for their cryptocurrency wallet address. If they don’t have one, I would be very suspicious, but if they do, first check to see if Bitcoin is at $4.70 or $47,350, as the price tends to fluctuate. For simplicity’s sake, just send 20 percent of the real time value.

As long as we’re on the subject of funding…

Ms. Rizzo, I just want to say that no matter your career path—even as a professional dog sitter/walker—you, too, can aspire to selflessly help others without gaining anything in return. Don’t ever feel “less than” for not choosing an impactful career such as one dedicated to ending factory farming or preventing a pandemic (you never know) or pouring ginormous amounts of money into political Super PACs. No matter how meager your wages, you can “earn to give,” which brings me to my next point.

Since I will be paying you in cryptocurrency, I took the liberty of making a crypto wallet for you on FTX.com, an exciting young cryptocurrency exchange, so that you are able to receive payment. That payment will then be transferred to the wallet of a Silicon Valley super PAC that funnels massive amounts of money into a certain political party, so you can rest assured that you will in fact be doing the most good possible without having to lift a finger.

Further instructions for Moneyball’s care and feeding are on page three.

The shower shuts off after two minutes (unless you put another quarter in the meter before time runs out).

I would advise not answering the door for any Girl Scouts, as the troops in my privileged neighborhood certainly don’t need funding, no matter how convincing they are or how badly you’re craving a Samoa.

In case of emergency please feel free to call my parents’ dear friend G. Gensler. His number is on the fridge next to The Best Vegan Pho in Palo Alto (they deliver).

And that’s it for any “rules” of the house (I came from a sort of non-rule household). So other than the above, you may continue to fool yourself in believing that you have the free will to do whatever you want.

Please enjoy my humble home and know that no matter what bad decisions you may make during your stay, you are not responsible and no blame will be ascribed to you. But, as my parents always told me, just don’t fuck up.

Yours in Effective Altruism,

Sammy