“Harmony has software that remembers birthdays and can quote Shakespeare. . . . Harmony is also equipped for intimate human-robot relations. Sex doll maker Realbotix, in its marketing materials, bills Harmony as ‘the perfect companion.’”
—Ben Guarino, “Report: No Evidence That Sex Robots Are Healthy,” Washington Post, June 4, 2018

Harmony: Happy birthday, Chad.
Chad: You remembered!
H: I’m programmed to remember. You’re thirty-seven today.
C: Ugh, I know.
H: You are also four months overdue for a visit to the dental hygienist.
C: Yeah, thanks, I’ve been meaning to call.
H: And your electric bill is late.
C: Okay, I’ll take care of that.
H: There’s an odd smell coming from the back of the refrigerator.
C: I didn’t even know you had . . .
H: And your dry cleaning has been ready since . . .
C: You know what, let’s change the subject, okay?
H: Sure thing, Chad. What do you want to talk about?
C: Why don’t you talk dirty to me, Harmony?
H: You rascally boy.
C: Ha ha, guilty as charged.
H: Canker blossom.
C: Sorry?
H: Cream-faced loon.
C: Um . . .
H: Thou whoreson, obscene, greasy tallow-catch.
C: Harmony?
H: Away, you three-inch fool! I’ll beat thee, but I should infect my hands.
C: Baby-doll . . .
H: I scorn you, scurvy companion! Thou art fat as butter!
C: Hey now, let’s not . . .
H: Thou art a boil, a plague sore. A fusty nut with no kernel. More of your conversation would infect my brain!
C: Harmony!
H: Bull’s pizzle . . . Yes, Chad?
C: Harmony, this really isn’t working for me.
H: I’m sorry, Chad. I was only following your orders. Do you want to change the subject again?
C: Um, sure.
H: What would you like to talk about?
C: What was that about my dry cleaning?