If you follow fashion, you know who I am.  But for those who don’t, I’ll simply say I’m a highly influential New York designer who can make the fashion world tremble with a curl of my lip or the raising of a well-arched eyebrow.  I spend all day turning ordinary women from sows’ ears (so to speak) into gorgeous silk purses.  And, oh are they something when I’m finished with them!

In short, I’m an authority on the topic of style and I must be heard, especially about a problem that has come to dominate my every waking thought:  The Statue of Liberty.

That worldwide icon of freedom and liberty is lame and dowdy, basically a fashion antique.  She’s an insult to style-conscious immigrants everywhere! It’s unacceptable to see Lady Liberty garbed in layers of heavy linen wrapped around her statuesque frame like an old beach towel.  What’s with the Roman-style get-up anyway?  She’s dressed like Caesar’s wife—rather than a hip, street-smart 21^st century female.  Frankly, I feel humiliated when I glance her way! And can you imagine what stylish foreigners must think?

I suggest a fashion makeover of Lady Liberty.  Why not a snappy little black suit, with knee-length skirt and fitted jacket showing her ample curves?  (Admit it America: she’s plus-sized.)  Or, maybe a cool pair of colorful leggings over a knee-length tunic?  And instead of that crown-of-spikes thing on her head, a cute newsboy cap or a cool straw boater?  In one hand, she could be holding a leather clutch; in the other an iPhone7 instead of that silly torch.

Of course, we have to do something about the hair and makeup.  That roll of bangs on her forehead is so 1950s housewife. (Think I Love Lucy.)

I propose a short curly bob, pale powder on her classic features and a touch of pink lipstick.  Voila!  Lady Liberty is at once attractive and contemporary, a beacon to the world instead of the dreary, shabbily-attired relic she now seems to be.

Let’s do this, fashionistas! Free Lady Liberty from Fashion Hell!

Peter Fenton is the author of three books: Eyeing the Flash: The Making of a Carnival Con Artist (Simon & Schuster); Truth or Tabloid? You Decide! (Three Rivers Press); I Forgot to Wear Underwear on a Glass-Bottom Boat (St. Martin’s Press). He lives in Eugene, Oregon.