Our client contends that the children’s television program Sesame Street — between its debut in 1969 and the point when “my parents couldn’t force me to watch it anymore,” in 1971 — did him painful and irreparable harm: emotionally, intellectually, morally, and politically.

We ask that the court certify a Federal Class Action Lawsuit in this matter, to most efficiently and justly assess and adjudicate the crimes of the Sesamites, and determine fair compensation for the victims.

By way of preliminary evidence, we offer the following to the court:

Musical & Lyrical Brainwashing

While many people have been taken in by the egalitarian veneer of the program, an objective analysis of two early songs reveals the true — aggressively conformist — nature of the “programmers’” agenda and intentions.

The first is an excerpt from something close to a chant:

I’ve got two eyes
And they’re both
the same size

This is offensive and obvious Ableism, which discriminates against those with a non-standard number of eyes. In addition to reinforcing and compounding the Ableist bias regarding number — adding the issue of size — this is a painful emphasis on conformity, bullying children into being “the same.”

The second is a shockingly obvious sermon in favor of othering:

One of these things is not like the others
One of these things doesn’t belong
Can you guess which thing is not like the others?
Before I finish this song?

This is a blatant and egregious act of literal “othering,” teaching children to discriminate. Via the phrase “doesn’t belong” children are taught to exclude, based solely on difference.

“Can you guess?” is a vicious and passive-aggressive “teaching technique” which both taunts and disrespects children, implying that the lyricist has special knowledge but that such knowledge will not be revealed to others; the use of “guess” condescendingly rules out the possibility that anyone hearing the song might actually “know” what the lyricist purports to know, setting up a problematic power structure and dominance hierarchy.

The final line of the stanza, “Before I finish this song” represents both a threat and a clear violation of Federal Law, which requires that accommodations be made for students who may need more time than others to complete the same task.

Painful & Offensive Stereotyping

In addition, a number of the primary characters on the show were insidious in their advancing of a fundamentally conservative and intolerant agenda. To wit:

• The Cookie Monster: An unconscionable mocking of people with eating disorders — as well as an obvious example of shilling for one of the major markets for Big Sugar.
• Oscar the Grouch: Encourages making fun of people with depression and rage disorders.
• Kermit the Frog: Both a vicious parody of intellectuals and, via his signature song “It’s Not Easy Being Green,” a subtle way of undermining the nascent environmental movement.
• Ernie & Bert: A long-term, cohabitating, and monogamous, gay couple, both cruelly required to remain closeted and denied the opportunity to marry.

We trust that, based on this compelling and unimpeachable evidence, the court will allow this action to move forward. A generation of people damaged as children awaits this decision.