“The Civil War was really the War of Northern Aggression.”

—Marinated in salty historical revisionism

—Has GMOs like Klan members as frequent proponents

—Pairs well with white power

Price: Free, but you’ll be mocked when word gets out that you grew up in New Hampshire

“Earth is flat.”

—Cultivated in a remote field of thought

—Enriched by animal-produced fertilizer spread in 240p YouTube videos

—Manufactured in an environment where nuts are also discussing why the Moon landing was staged

Price: On the house, but you’re too afraid to ever take a flight over the Pacific

“The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting: a false flag event”

—A vintage 2012 with high acidity and dominant notes of delusion

—The result of squashing the truth

—An eye-catching label that may result in legal action

Price: No charge, but you won’t be invited to your high school reunion, or any reunion, or anywhere

“Trump won the 2020 election.”

—Distilled in rural Ohio’s town hall meetings

—Has led to bad decisions and property damage at the Capitol

—Popular among college students planning on having internships at the RNC

Price: $0.00, but you’re blacklisted from calling balls and strikes during beer league softball games

“Why should I put my shopping cart back? That’s what they pay the workers to do.”

—Will deteriorate when exposed to direct questioning

—Contains artificial feelings of self-importance

—Should be spoon-fed to young children if you want them to grow up to be big assholes

Price: N/A, but not even this store will let you back in