By Martin H. Levinson

Welcome to Safe Space University, an institution of higher learning where you are free to express yourself without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or challenged on account of biological sex, race-ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identify or expression, sports teams you root for, the beer you like, thoughts you have about being special, and ten million other things you may worry could hinder your feelings of comfort and tranquility on campus. (For a list of those things see: www.atSSUwehaveyourback.)

To ensure your safety in the classroom and on our grounds, you will be given a body cam that will allow you to record teachers, classmates, members of the custodial staff, campus security, the people who work in the dining room, the people behind the register at the bookstore, the school’s librarians, townspeople and visitors who may be on campus, and anyone else who makes comments that you feel threaten your worldview and psychological well-being as a person who knows right from wrong, up from down, and a hateful and evilly-intentioned argument when they come across one.

When you start recording what you believe are harmful remarks from a particular individual, an alarm will be conveyed to the Office of Hear No Evil See No Evil Speak No Evil (OHNESNESNE), which is located on the second floor of the administration building. The Office is staffed with lawyers, psychologists, harmful-speech investigators, and specially trained dogs that can determine whether a person who is dog whistling is sending out subtly aimed political messages or is simply using a high-pitched whistle to train a dog. When it comes to injurious comments, the OHNESNESNE is there to assist you.

Following receipt of your alarm, someone from the Office of Hear No Evil, et al will be dispatched to where you are doing your recording to help you document the injury being done to you. Afterward, that person can help you to sue, cancel, and make sure the perpetrator of your disquiet will never set foot in the hallowed halls or on the peaceful quads of Safe Space University again.

All our teachers have been instructed to provide trigger warnings in their classrooms prior to sharing what might be construed as potentially disturbing content—things like graphic references to topics such as sexual abuse, self-harm, violence, eating disorders, or anything else a plaintiff’s lawyer might convince a jury of in attempting to win money from the college on behalf of an aggrieved undergraduate. You will also be informed that if you feel in any way discomfited by something being taught during a lesson you are free to put on headphones, go under your desk, and play video games or tweet your friends until the offensive material has been presented, at which point your teacher will text you an all clear so you can return to your seat.

It can be disturbing for a person who has been conditioned all their lives to think in certain ways to all of a sudden be confronted with notions that differ from their own. It can sometimes result in brain damage or PTSD. To help combat such awful possibilities, while you are at SSU you will be housed with students whose political and social views are just like yours. This will allow you to make friends more easily and permit you to stay within your citadel of knowledge.

We wish you the best of luck during the next four years—or more if you can afford an extra 50K tuition a year and enjoy the safety we provide—as you develop into the wonderful and caring person, persons, or whatever entity you imagine you are developing into. Stay healthy, stay strong, and have the time of your life here knowing that, to quote from our university mission statement and our touch-football team’s fight song, “Those who give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, shall live to fight another day.”