More Leaked Texts from Signal

by Stephen Lyons

DATELINES: Hawaii, Kremlin, Greenland, Starbuck’s, Chick Fil A, Palm Steakhouse

At 11:44 p.m., Hegseth posted in the chat, “NEED DRINKY! ASAP!”

The text beneath this began, “TIME NOW 12:11 a.m.: Weather is FAVORABLE here in Hawaii. Just CONFIRMED w/CENTCOM we are a GO for COCKTAILS on the verandah at 12:15.”

Hegseth text continues:

12:15: “LAUNCHED! Gin and tonics (use GORDON’S, Absolutely NO PAPER DEI STRAWS!)”

13:45: PG: “Snacks: CHEETOS rebuffed!  (Orange stains hard to wash off hands. Just ask POTUS or Rudy G, wherever the hell he is.) @ Known Location: FOUR SEASONS LOUNGE, be on time – 2^nd DRINK LAUNCHED (Switch to: Four Pillars Rare Dry Gin.)”

14:00: PG: “Love the DOD AMEX: GODSPEED WARRIORS!

14:15 JD Vance checking in from STARBUCK’S DRIVE THRU: “I will say a Prayer for y’all. But for godsakes, use BETTER GIN.”

14:15: PG texts: “F OFF YALE-billy. Enjoy icy Greenland with WIFEY! I’ll be here in Hawaii: NO SPOUSEY IN SIGHTY!  While the cat’s away this mouse plays…ALOHA loser! ”

Hegseth continues:

14:24: “TEAM UPDATE: Hula dancers! Grass skirts! Getting a much needed LEI! Shoutout to TULSI: Love your country, girl!”

14:30: Tulsi here: “AGREED! But it’s a STATE jughead! But do try the poi, FOX boy.”

14:32: PG: “No ETHNIC CRAP for this warrior! Too woke! Are you at THE TARGET?”

14:34: TG: “Can’t say. Maybe Walmart. Ask assistant. HA HA.”

14:45: PG: “THIRD DRINK PACKAGE LAUNCHED. Bombs away with Bombay gin!”

14:50: Kash Patel dialing in from phone booth at Chick Fil A: “Confirm love of Gov. AMEX with unlimited rewards. now you know what’s in my wallet! Call me ‘CASH$$’ BRO-TEL!”

15:00: Steve Witkoff checking in via speaker phone from Kremlin: “I’ve got SHIRTLESS VLAD here. He says ‘YO!’ Vodka flowing like the VOLGA! No NYETS yet to refills. You’d fit right in, PETEY PIE!”

15:02: PG: “You lucky BASTARDS! But have you met Tatiana yet????”

15:03: SW: “AFFIRMATIVE! She says either you or POTUS in last meetup gave her a nasty [garbled message]. MIGHT BE VIDEO.”

15:04: PG: “OOPSIE! Order Kennedy JR. to FEDEX penicillin to her dacha.”

15:10: Michael Waltz dialing in from DC’s Palm Steakhouse: “SH*T HAPPENS! Tee hee. Damn, typing too fast. Her first target was former top FOX News guy (hmm). They made positive ID of asset crawling out of T’s building at 2 a.m. sans pants and Rolex. FORTUNATELY, evidence AND apartment now collapsed. URGENT UPDATE! Sadly, Tatiana perished after falling out of five-story building while experiencing a heart attack, gout, and a cobra bite.”

15:15: PG: “EXCELLENT WORK! Blame Hillary and Hunter. GOD BLESS OUR WARRIORS!”

15:30: PG: “Final DRINK PACKAGE LAUNCHED! Switched to SMIRNOFF. No tariffs on this bad boy. love ya VLAD! Будем здоровы! TRANSLATION: ‘Party like it’s JAN 6^th!’ Oh, and PARDON ME? Get it comrades?”

15:35: JD V: “Good one! I hate bailing out UKRAINE again with its inferior vodka and that whiny little bitch of a president!”

15:36: PG: “NOTE: No longer UKRAINE sassy pants. VLAD says to call it ‘Eastern Russia!’ V says POTUS agrees…to everything. Great minds…”

15:40: JD.V: “Gotta scoot! Peppermint oat Latte FINALLY ready! Such slow service! Attn Elon: layoff Starbuck’s commie union workers ASAP!”

15:42: Elon Musk and son X Æ A-12 patched in from OVAL: DONE! We all know Starbuck’s is the BIGGEST PONZI SCHEME EVER! And oat milk will give you MEGA (OR is it MAGA?) gas, MOUNTAIN BOY! Wait. X Æ A-12! Don’t touch that button ya little [garbled message]!”

15:45: PG: “Hey all, who is this J. GOLDBERG DUDE on the line? Friend of Bibi’s? Member of DOGE? Oh, who the F cares? As long as he’s a PATRIOT and not with the lame ASSOCIATED PRESS.

15:47: PG UPDATE: “Gotta run. my Onlyfan wants to borrow my phone, apparently needs to call her father. Kids these days! Sigh.”

15:48: PG: “Hey waiter? Amigo? Aloha?? Namaste? Dude? can i get a little service here? Do you even know WHO I AM!? One phone call and you get SHIPPED OFF TO GUANTANAMO with a bag on your head!”

15:50: J. Goldberg dialing in from The Atlantic: “Thanks to all!