By Martin H. Levinson

Dear Mister Etiquette:

When I sit down to eat at a fancy affair, I get confused about what silverware to use and which glasses to drink from. Do you have any advice that can help me not make a fool of myself when I am at an event like this?

Not wishing to make a faux pas

Dear Faux pas Avoider:

I, too, sometimes get confused about which silverware and glasses to use at fancy affairs, particularly if I have imbibed heavily during the cocktail hour. So I often wait until my fellow diners begin to eat and then simply copy what they do. That usually does the trick and it allows me to concentrate on more interesting things like why are some people rich and famous while folks like me are just clever and good-looking.

If you use a utensil that was supposed to be used later in the meal but the waiter removed it before you could stop him or her, do not despair. Tell your dining companions that you see smoke at the far end of the room and while they are to looking for the fire, swipe the same dining implement from the tableware set out in front of the person seated next to you. Remember, at formal functions the rule is you are what you eat, with.

Dear Mister Etiquette:

I recently received an invitation to go to a cousin’s engagement party but I have never met this cousin and will be busy the day of the celebration. Do I have to send them a gift?

Confused about the right thing to do

Dear Confused About What to Do:

There is no one right thing to do in such a case. Your cousin may have genuinely wanted you to participate in their happy event or he or she may simply be trolling for gifts. I have a somewhat jaundiced view of human nature so I suspect the latter. Therefore, ignore the invitation and with the money you’ve saved on buying a gift, take yourself out to a restaurant, silently toast your cousin’s good fortune, and hope that you are not invited to the wedding.

Dear Mister Etiquette:

Is it considered good manners for a man to hold the door open for a woman or has that behavior gone the way of the dodo bird?

A puzzled and perplexed gentleman

Dear Puzzled and Perplexed:

The jury is out on that question. However, one way to skirt the issue is to wear casts on both your arms. Then the ladies will have to hold the door open for you. If this solution is not appealing try to avoid being with females who go in and out of places. While doing that will probably leave you with only homeless women as companions, the fact is those gals could probably use some company.

If you find yourself in a situation where you and a woman reach the door at the same time you might want to attempt this maneuver: hold the door open for her and then turn around and scream as loud as you can, “Would anyone else like to come in!” This will likely cause the lady to think you are a lunatic rather than a male chauvinist pig and she may feel sorry for you. If she does show you compassion tell her you are a huge fan of the women’s liberation movement, think that women are a lot smarter than men, and, if she’s attractive, ask her out for a drink. If she accepts your offer, make sure you go to a place with people constantly coming in and out of it so someone can hold the door open for both of you.

Dear Mister Etiquette:

Are there rules of etiquette for talking in public places on a cell phone? If there aren’t, I think there should be.

A seeker of peace and solitude

Dear Seeker of Solitude:

In most places other than your home, it’s rude to talk on your cellphone when the call is not important. But that doesn’t stop most people from yakking on their phones about all kinds of stupid things when they’re in restaurants, on buses, at gyms, and in other public venues. These morons don’t give a damn who they’re bothering with their loud voices and ridiculous conversations.

Well, I say let’s put a lid on nattering, nincompoop, cellphone blabbermouths. One way to do that is to put pressure on city councils to draft laws that prohibit cellphone calls in public places unless they’re emergencies. People who disobey that prohibition would have to be penalized in some way and this is what I think those penalties should be: Disobey this prohibition and you get sentenced to a six-month vow of silence to be served in a Trappist monastery. Repeat offenders would be sentenced to a year in solitary confinement. If that didn’t work the scalawags would be forced to listen to every episode of The Bachelor, twice. If that still didn’t work the good-for-nothings would be added to the cast of The Bachelor and forced to live their lives as crazily as everyone else does on that show. Other than the death penalty or being made to eat chopped chicken liver, I can think of no other punishment as terrible as that.