Methuselah vs. Satan: An Electoral Debate

by MICHAEL J. MANGANO

Characters:

• Methuselah  – the oldest person in recorded human history.
• Satan– a fallen angel, also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, and, most commonly, The Devil.
• Moderator – an attractive young CNN female anchor. 

MODERATOR:  Satan, would you tell us why you think you should be the leader of the nation.

SATAN:  Well, let me  put it this way – Methloser…that’s what I call him, Methloser…he’s old and feeble.  Just look at his messy white hair and his long scraggly beard.  Face it, Methloser, you’re too old to run this land that was once great and that only I can make great again.

MODERATOR:  Methuselah, would you like to respond?

METHUSELAH:  Listen, folks, here’s the deal…this guy is just as old as I am.  Don’t be conned by him the way Adam and Eve were.

SATAN: Look at me, people…do I look as old as this guy does?

METHUSELAH:  Who the hell can tell, with that red face and those horns.  I’m glad to see you at least finally shaved your head and got rid of that ridiculous combover.

MODERATOR:  Gentlemen, rather talking about appearances, let’s get to the point and address who would be best at governing.

METHUSELAH:  Well, for openers, this clown wants to set women back over two-hundred years and have them tried as witches again.

SATAN:  No, not true.  I simply said that the communities should make their own decisions…like Salem did.

METHUSELAH:  (laughs sarcastically)  Ha!  A real cop-out.   What do you have against women, anyway?  I’ve heard stories from Mary Magdalene, Salome, Delilah…

SATAN:  (interrupting)  Lies, all lies!  I wouldn’t go near any one of them, they’re not my type.  Just like she’s not (indicating the Moderator).  

MODERATOR:  Gentlemen, can we please get back on topic.  Satan, why do you think you should be elected to govern the land?

SATAN:  It’s obvious.  The people love me, they listen to me.  They always have.  Even Judas double-crossed Christ on my say-so.  This land needs a strong leader, and I’m the strongest one ever.  Even stronger than God, if I do say so.

METHUSELAH:  Just listen to this clown, folks.  He seems to forget that God threw him out of heaven.

SATAN:  God was jealous…because I was the beautiful angel, Lucifer.  The most beautiful angel ever, I might add.  I’m still beautiful.  Just look at the graceful shape of my horns.

MODERATOR:  Please, gentlemen, no more talk about appearances.  Just your beliefs about governing.

METHUSELAH:  This guy has no beliefs.  Which is why, like I said, God kicked his butt downstairs.

SATAN:  No, I chose to leave.  Too goody-two-shoes liberal up there.  

METHUSELAH: Hear what he said, folks?  Too liberal.  Not fascist enough for him. 

SATAN:  Fascism isn’t so bad.  Hitler wasn’t either.  He liked dogs, I hear, and liked to dance.  He was also a pretty good writer, although I did help him with Mein Kampf.  Even he admitted I helped him.  He had some very nice things to say about me.  A very strong leader, I might add.  Which is what I will be.

METHUSELAH:  Yeah, a strong, evil, immoral leader.  We’ll soon have another Sodom and Gomorrah on our hands.  

SATAN:  Hey, at least those people had fun for a while.  Until your goody two-shoes God destroyed the place.

METHUSELAH:  You’re unbelievable, man.  You’re pure evil.  The Antichrist. 

SATAN:  Maybe so, Methloser, maybe so.  But, who cares?