by Brian Arundel

Time: 2020

Setting: Republican National Convention

(After being introduced, Jesus appears on stage, wearing a robe and a MAGA hat. Applause.)

Thank you, Tucker, for that warm introduction. You’re far too kind. Really. (beat) The fact is, Lazarus was only sleeping. (audience laughter) I’m kidding of course. (pause; serious)

Look, I know for some of you, times are tough. Volatile stock market. Inner-city crime, Chinese pandemic. Socialists. And at every turn, my followers continue to be mocked and denigrated by the liberal elite and the mainstream media. Well, that’s just not right. And that’s why I’m here today. That’s why I’m kicking off a campaign that I like to call ‘Jesus 2.0.’ A reboot, if you will. Because I want to be the messiah you really need, right here, right now.

First, let me set the record straight. Last time I was here, I said some things. ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ ‘Blessed are the poor.’ ‘Man cannot serve both God and Mammon.’ We all do things we’re not proud of. I’d love to tell you it was fake scripture, but the fact is, I was just young and foolish. Naïve. I’ve grown a lot in the last two thousand years. These days I might still kick out the moneylenders, but only if they’re slow to lower interest rates. Because we need to keep commerce moving! (applause)

All that love and compassion stuff you’ve heard about, how’s that worked out so far? (laughter) Yeah, right? It’s time we got real. I’m going to tell you something you already know: you can’t spend compassion. (murmurs of agreement) And maybe those neighbors you’re supposed to love so much really are trying to take your jobs. (enthusiastic response) And you know, maybe we don’t need to worry about the poor. (loud cheers) I mean, they made their choices, am I right? Besides, they’ll be fine. Remember what I once said, ‘Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, yadda yadda yadda, yet your heavenly Father feedeth them.’ The poor will be A-OK. So why should the rest of us have to pay for their healthcare? For their food? (louder cheers) You earned what’s yours, why share it?! (extended ovation)

That’s what I’m talking about! What’s the most important thing in life? Education? (“No!”) Health? (“No!”) Love? (“No!”) Hell no. You all know what it is: it’s profit. (cheers) Because money gets you what you want. If money weren’t the most important thing in this world, it wouldn’t have my father’s name on it. And if it’s good enough for my dad, I think it’s good enough for law-abiding Christian conservatives in the United States of America! (resounding applause)

And that’s the message I’m here to deliver, loud and clear: get what’s yours. (cheers) That’s right. Get what’s yours! (over growing applause) Because that’s what today’s Christianity is all about! Am I right? (explosive applause)

The environment isn’t here for us to care for, it’s for us to utilize. Some communist liberal wants you to trade in your American-made Ford Mustang for some electric bicycle so we can (‘rabbit ears’) ‘save the planet?’ That sound good to you? (“No!”) No. I didn’t think so. Why should we restrain the natural gas and fossil fuel industries from creating good, clean, powerful American energy right here at home? Let’s keep deregulating industry so that everyone has the freedom to pollute their way to higher profits! (applause)

Remember this: you earned what you have and it’s your God-given right to get more, and together, we’ll make sure you do that. Jesus 2.0’s got your back. Jesus 2.0’s looking out for you. (pause)

I want to leave you with this, and I want you to take it to heart. I want you to hold tight this truth and be good, faithful followers. I call it, ‘Beatitudes for the Modern American Christian.’ (beat; he raises one hand, palm toward the audience)

Blessed are the moneylenders, for theirs is the land of the profits.

Blessed are those who deny climate change, for they shall be immune to the rising seas.

Blessed are the greedy, for they shall prosper from the labor of others.

Blessed are the armed, for weapons bring glory and honor.

Blessed are those who curse the poor, for the wretched deserve their plight.

Blessed are those who persecute the weak, for they rightfully enforce the separation of classes.

It’s a new day, my people! (applause) It’s a new dawn in America, and I am right here with you! (louder applause) Milk and honey is yours for the taking, may you live long and prosper! (louder applause; audience begins to stand) My father blesses you all, and he blesses all those worthy in the United States of America! (everyone is standing, cheering madly) My name is Jesus 2.0, and I approve of this message!

(Jesus exits to raucous applause; balloons fall from ceiling as ‘Jesus Christ, Superstar’ plays)

CURTAIN