Introducing: THE DICK-O-MATIC! ®

Guaranteed Rape Retardant & Post-Roe Contraception

Hello, Sisters, Lorena Bobbitt here to tell you about the new life-changing post-Roe and E. Jean product that will make even Proud Boy’s and P’Grabbers back the f**k off–the revolutionary Dick-O-Matic!

Battery-operated, ergonomic, and easy to install, the revolutionary conception and rape retardant is equipped with battery-driven, high rpm tempered teeth from Gillette. Already field-tested — Botswana to Bosnia, the Air Force Academy to macho MAGA rallies — the D.O.M. is guaranteed to never stall or jam even on a Texas Longhorn or an orange mushroom.

To suit your budget and your needs, Ladies, the vagina vigilante comes in three models for girls-on-the-go in hi-testo zones: Basic – The Ninja; Deluxe – The Wolverine; Supreme – The Great White.

At a mere $19.99, The Ninja is a single-action appliance that comes with a Jaws-of-Life Labia Safely Lock® giving you the Snatch’n’Release option. The Ninja is the economical choice for gals with a thing for meat-swingers, soloists at frat raves or GOP fundraisers; or just anybody who dates a Dick who calls himself Richard.

At $29.99, The Wolverine: It Slices, It Dices, It Juliennes! The D.O.M. Deluxe is perfect for auditioning actresses, teen gymnasts, any girl who doesn’t want to carry their uncle’s child to term in Tennessee, or anyone seeking career advice from Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R. Kelly, or Individual A.

At $39.99, the D.O.M. Supreme – The Great White – comes with all of the above, plus the Grind’n’Stuff remote. Press and, in seconds, viola – A hermetically-sealed MRE ready for the barbie at your Lioness sorority mixer, Trans, or MeToo potluck! The G.W. Personal Pinkerton is the perfect prophylactic for: off-duty working women; embedded reporters in Isis, Boko Haram, or Fox; virgins belonging to a sheik, or booked on the Lolita Express to Orgy Island.

But wait, that’s not all!

For an additional peace of mind at $19.99, we’ll express to you the Premium Package containing:

The D.O.M. designer Testicle Tote – enough to clear Hell’s Angels biker bars from Detroit to the Dakotas.

The GPS-PP locator & alarm – a heat-seeking device with dog whistle warning only dicks can hear, guaranteeing instant flaccidity and flight.

DOMinator crotch logo COCKED & LOADED! Panties.

So, there you have it, Girlfriends. Let’s face it:  it’s time for P’Grabbers and Pro-life GrandOlPricks to keep it in their pants, or we pick a pack of peckers!

So, what are you waiting for? For only pennies on the dollar, save yourself the hassle of out-of-state Planned Parenthood procedures, lawyers, and restraining orders. Already rated AAA by Wirecutter and RAINN, the D.O.M. comes with a 30-day no-hassle, no-questions-asked, complete satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.

Manning the phone bank now to take your orders are our VIP D.O.M. diplomats, licensed to carry Dick-O-Matic customers all: Oprah, Kesha, Queen Latifah, Lady Gaga, Stormy Daniels, E Jean, and the magnificent Seventeen!

This is Lorena Bobbitt signing off, Sisters, with one final message:

Bring home the bacon with the Dick-o-Matic! Don’t leave home without it!

*D.O.M. LLC takes no responsibility for its product being used irresponsibly.