By Ana Worrel and Amy Frances Wright

I wanna start by assuring you that I’m not gonna, like, mine a sophisticated profile of your personality to sell to nefarious third party consulting firms or anything like that. Sudoku’s a simple app. I’m just here to help you get those brain juices flowin’ and have a darn good time doing it. Real quick though, before we begin, CAN I ACCESS YOUR LOCATION AT ALL TIMES?

Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you! My voice gets demonically low like that at random; it’s a weird bug the engineers are working on. To be clear, I want to track your location to connect you with nearby players and provide helpful live weather updates in the sidebar. Nothing sketch, I swear. So say yes if you want to play sudoku. Don’t you want to play sudoku?

Great! Now before we get to the whole sudoku thing, we need a cute pic for your profile. In order to get one, CAN I ACCESS YOUR CAMERA, PHOTO LIBRARY, AND MICROPHONE?

Um, did you just hear that inhuman banshee-like screech I released? How embarrassing! No idea where that came from. Why do I need to access your mic for a picture? Uh, something about in-app music? Honestly, nobody’s ever asked me that. Anyway, say yes and I won’t have to inhabit your mortal body and force it to press the button!

Oop, whoopsie there! Looks like you closed me. Did I scare you? No worries, I’ll just open myself again. Now GIVE ME YOUR FINGERPRINT.

Ok, I heard it as I said it. That was super aggro. But this is important! Once I have your fingerprint, I’ll be authorized to open each time you wake up your phone. Start every day with your favorite fun and mandatory puzzle! That’s right, I said “mandatory.” Didn’t you read my terms and conditions? Every night, from the witching hour to sunrise, your free will is forfeited to me.

Don’t cry, I’m doing this for you! Did you know that older adults who play puzzle games 3-5 times per week are less likely to suffer from memory loss? After thirty years together, you’ll thank me.

Now let’s put a fun filter on that profile pic. Stunning! The high contrast makes your hair look so shiny and healthy. I REQUIRE A STRAND OF THAT HAIR PLUCKED FROM THE ROOT.

Yeah, this one really isn’t about sudoku, there’s no denying that. I totally get why you’re freaked out right now, so I’m just gonna be honest with you. I require that strand to prove to my master Beezlebub, Lord of the Flies and Prince of Hell, that I’m on the precipice of reaping another pure human soul. I guess the cat’s kinda out of the bag now. The name’s Malacoda, demon prince responsible for mortal torture. When I’m not working undercover in tech, I’m living my truth in the eighth circle of Hell. Nice to meet you 🙂

I see you trying to turn your phone off. Good luck with that now that it’s ON FIRE!!! Since those frail, pathetic human hands can’t touch it, I’ll possess your body and we can get on to strengthening that weak brain!

Thanks for the total control of your body and the one hair. I have one more teeny tiny request before we get to sudoku: SURRENDER A PINT OF YOUR BLOOD.

Here’s what you’re gonna do: simply go to the nearest well and descend to the very bottom, ignoring the crumbling bones of victims past. You’ll find a silver knife inlaid with a carving of a naked woman fornicating with a snake. Slash open your palm and free bleed into the goat horn goblet that should magically appear once you’ve sworn an oath of fealty to Lucifer in Latin. Don’t be nervous about the Latin, just open your mouth and the words will flow right out. Finally, bend over backwards, kiss Satan’s asshole, and sign your name in his book with your blood.

I’ll keep your phone safe while you’re gone, don’t even worry about that. I’ll be right here, sharing your nudes on Facebook while simultaneously checking into every Long John Silver’s in the metropolitan area. Can’t wait til you get back and we can play some sudoku!

Hey, you survived! That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now you can relax and get to my awesome brain-training puzzles. Just one thing. Don’t be mad at me, but I lied earlier. I am going to sell your personal information to third party consulting firms. I’m a free app! What’d you expect?

Now let’s play sudoku!

Bio: Ana Worrel and Amy Frances Wright’s lifelong creative partnership was cemented at age eleven after they filmed a documentary entitled “Cheese: The Documentary.” Since then, their satirical articles have been featured in McSweeney’s and Points In Case and their comedy screenplays have semi-finaled and finaled in national screenwriting competitions including the Austin Film Fest, Nashville Film Fest, and Atlanta Film Fest.