By Kara Panzer

When a woman wants control over the chaos of an unpredictable human existence, she develops an eating disorder. When I want control, I beat that woman ^[i]. For one simple reason: it works!

And it works thanks to you, my friends and fans, who struggle with the concept that it is possible to act one way in public and another way in private. If I shared my real thoughts in public, people might not like me so much. And that would hurt my feelings.

It’s a common misconception that people like me aren’t in touch with their emotions. That isn’t the case. I do have feelings, and I believe they are the best, most correct feelings ^[ii]. After all, they’re mine.

I’m even willing to go to therapy, if it helps me learn new vocabulary the better to control and manipulate my target. That way I can express my boundaries ^[iii] about what the special lady in my life is (and isn’t) allowed to do.  I can communicate to her more effectively about what she’s doing wrong. I can develop a better understanding of exactly how to gaslight ^[iv]. There’s so much confusion online about what that really means.

I get it. I get it. You’re thinking I should just come clean and admit it. Bro, what’s with all this deny til you die stuff? We all saw the elevator footage! ^[v] But I can explain. That video of me throwing my girlfriend across the floor ^[vi] was really taken out of context. Relationships are hard ^[vii]. And I’m working on myself.

I just want to be liked, really, and I want the woman I share my home with to know that if she makes one wrong step I will destroy her. Actually, I’ll do that anyway. Blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol ^[viii].

I know what you’re thinking. In public, I am calm and self-assured. I’m rich and famous ^[ix]. I might be handsome and charming, or a repulsive ^[x] recluse ^[xi]. But I always believe nothing is off the table when it comes to getting what I want. Carpe diem, hoes.

Think about it this way: do you pick your nose and flick your bloggers away at the office in meetings, or only at home when you’re alone on the couch?

C’mon, look at me! I’m such a great guy ^[xii]. I ^[xiii] sing ^[xiv] catchy ^[xv] tunes ^[xvi]. I brought your hometown team a trophy. I’m a fun and anti-authority comedian ^[xvii]. I’m a judge ^[xviii]. Sometimes, I’m a leader in the UAE, advocating for modern reforms in many arenas except for those that dictate whether I can or can’t keep my daughter drugged and locked up ^[xix]. Good news, I still can ^[xx].

That woman, accusing me, she probably seems a little crazy and upset ^[xxi]. Whoops! That’s on me. She didn’t want to believe it’s really possible for a person to be as cruel as I am. She’s like you in that sense. It is though! I am a bad person, asking you to forgive me so I can get back to the important work of being bad.

Maybe as a child I learned the meaning of fear, and decided it is better to create it than experience it. No matter, that’s all in the past. If you saw what I do now you definitely would not condone it. So don’t look! He he.

Yes, I am a truly pathetic and vile human. But what do you think of my art? I’ll tell you what I think.

Some people think that violence has sharply defined edges, but men like me know it’s murkier than that. Think of a gradient. A lot of work of ground work goes into laying the foundation, so that when you finally make it obvious what kind of person you really are, that woman has nowhere to turn. Gotcha, bitch!

And that’s before you even dump the body ^[xxii]. Sheesh. Well shucks, I’m single again. Dating is so tough. Yet through it all, I remain committed to finding love.

So here’s to you, my dear audience. Thank you for making it possible for me to do what I do. I look forward to facing my accuser in court, or outside the steps of her home ^[xxiii]. Wherever I find her first ^[xxiv].

Kara Panzer is a writer based in New York. Her work appears in outlets like Fortune, Newsweek and Insider. She is at work on a novel. View more on karapanzer.com. 

^[i] Jeff Gillooly

^[ii] Shia LaBeouf

^[iii] Jonah Hill

^[iv] R. Kelly

^[v] Ray Rice

^[vi] Zak Stacy

^[vii] Josh Brolin

^[viii] Johnny Depp

^[ix] Jonathan Majors

^[x] Harvey Weinstein

^[xi] Simon Monjack

^[xii] Rob Porter

^[xiii] XXXTentacion

^[xiv] Chris Brown

^[xv] Sean Combs

^[xvi] Elvis

^[xvii] Russell Brand

^[xviii] Samuel Swanberg

^[xix] Jamie Spears

^[xx] Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum

^[xxi] Brian Laundrie

^[xxii] Scott Lee Peterson

^[xxiii]John Sweeney

^[xxiv] OJ Simpson