You’ve undoubtedly read the reports by now. Seen my name added to an ever-expanding list on the 24-hour news networks. Yes, I contracted COVID-19 at the Rose Garden reception celebrating Amy Coney Barrett’s nomination to the Supreme Court. As one of your duly elected representatives, I would like to assure you that I am taking this situation extremely seriously. Indeed, I share your most pressing health concerns: that women will maintain bodily autonomy for the foreseeable future, and they will continue to execute their explicit constitutional rights.

My promise is this: if I am called to the Senate floor for a vote on Barrett’s confirmation, I will be there. I will vote for her in a heartbeat, even if that heartbeat has been recently described by doctors as “faint” and “kind of like the haunting whisper of a shadowy woodland spirit.” Recently-fertilized embryos don’t even have a heartbeat, and I’m honored to be in their company.

There is simply too much at stake in this confirmation process for me to neglect my sworn duty. Every child is guaranteed a right by their creator to draw breath. That right is, with every passing moment, becoming much harder for me to exercise. But as someone who has already been born, my fate is beside the point. With my final, feeble wheeze, I will vote in the affirmative for Amy Coney Barrett.

As a precaution, I will spend the next few days recovering at home. I will remain isolated in close, unprotected proximity to my wife and eight children, only three of whom were born with pesky comorbidities. The important thing is that they were born.

With regards to the safety of my fellow senators, I have committed myself to minimizing the risk of spreading COVID-19 during this momentous vote. My surviving staff have outfitted me with the latest CDC-approved protective gear, which is basically a dish towel secured around the lower half of my face with a string of prayer beads. I will wear it 100% of the time I am inside the Capitol Building and cameras are present.

At some point, this situation must be left in God’s hands. For me, that point is pretty much right away. If, by His will, I infect another 20 senators, and they unwittingly infect their extended families, we must consider that it may simply be their time to go. After all, room must be made for all of the babies I plan on forcing women to bring into this world.