By Lauren LoGiudice

As I hover above a foamy latte, I’m reflecting on all the drama on my account.

The lies about me are endemic. No, I was not manufactured in a lab in China. No, I was not a conspiracy by the Democrats. No, wearing a mask does not violate your personal freedom, only mine.

When I first appeared on the scene people didn’t take me seriously. Dead set on success, I spent many exhausting nights spreading through crowded rooms. Then the moment I became a #VirusBoss there’s a concerted effort to cancel me entirely!

Vi-Fam, what hurt me the most were hate-memes (shall we say “hemes”) from my nameless cousin (okay, it was SARS), because, OMG guys if I can get real for a moment, he’s jealous. Am I at fault for being a global breakout success with a line of limited-supply lipsticks, Intubate Me^TM?

My DMs continue to blow up with haters: “My interaction with you left me nauseous!” “What does your preeminence say about what we value as a society?” And just when I think it can’t get any worse, accusations of racism go viral.

Gandhi once said, “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.”

To cope, I’ve been writing in my Vi-Gratitude Journal^TM, a list of my accomplishments to remind myself, gently, of the ways I’ve infected not just people but the culture itself.

Like, how I gave you new vernacular and time to catch up on your Netflix queues. Now you know how to wash your hands correctly. I did that.

And perhaps, even more importantly, I’ve given you a fashion statement. Everyone from Marc Jacobs to Walmart is selling face coverings that have the added benefit of protecting your skin from sun damage. You’re. Welcome.

So, show your support for me by tagging 65 anti-vaxxer friends in the comments and letting me know what you like most about my disease profile for a chance to win a cheese sandwich from the Frye Festival^TM. Link in bio.

Lauren LoGiudice creates comedy through deeply flawed and painfully idiosyncratic characters. She has embodied some of the world’s most mysterious cultural icons, including Greta Garbo, Melania Trump, Mary Poppins, and all of the women in her Italian-American family. Her work has been featured by The New York Times, BBC America, Bust Magazine, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Hyperallergic, La Voce di New York, among others. Her writing has been called “criminal.”