By Alison Stellner

12 April 2017

WASHINGTON, DC – Recent suspicions circulating on social media of a toxic, communicable disease have been verified. According to the CPC (Center for Paranoia Control), scientists have discovered a strange virus infecting people from all walks of life. This nefarious disease affects the behavior and communication centers of the brain, rendering its victims oblivious to their own condition but, ironically, hyper-sensitive to the existence of the disease in others. Apparently, this virulent strain is seasonal in nature, reaching epidemic proportions about every four year election cycle.

Virus Classification

Scientists have identified the virus as “Hypocrisy-itis”, a mind-altering mutation of duplicity which incubates in a highly polarized political hotbed. Generically speaking, hypocrisy-itis is the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs, even though one’s own behavior does not match up; i.e. “pot calling kettle black.”

Contamination Reports

In order to contain the virus, civilians in affected areas have been detained and subsequently interviewed. “Dude…it’s like a zombie apocalypse…people all around me, including my own relatives,  all on the attack…foaming at the mouth with anger, eyes glazed over, spouting insane gibberish…murmuring words like “deplorable” and something about “nasty women” . . .it’s like the whole world’s gone crazy”, said Austin, Texas resident (who asked not to be named). According to the CPC, identical stories have been reported from the halls of our nation’s capital all the way to country diners and corporate boardrooms, causing unnecessary fear and unfiltered retaliation, subsequently authorities were pressured to release the following Public Service Announcement.

WARNING

You may have already been infected and are oblivious to the nature of the virus within you. Here are a few of the symptoms to look for.

Stage 1: Impaired Vision

In this stage, you may unknowingly experience a form of blindness to facts or logic which do not line up with your feelings, ideology or in the most acute cases, what you “just believe to be true”. You may also notice when you troll your Facebook newsfeed or search for headlines on the web – only words or views which substantiate your feelings leap off the page and embed as facts in your brain. Alternatively, words that don’t match your way of seeing the world may cause blurred vision, a rise in blood pressure, increased heart rate and in some extreme cases, uncontrollable F-bomb laden profanity, aka “word rage”.

Stage 2: Amnesia

As the disease progresses, you will be prone to “forget” previous occasions in which you attacked your perceived opposition with demeaning words, derogatory statements, or unfounded accusations – sometimes becoming so delirious with the disease, you may label someone as “evil” simply for not sharing your point of view. But now, infected and reeling from the fever of the virus you will villainize those very same people using similar tactics, words and actions in order to adamantly defend your position. Convinced your personal viewpoint is “the truth”, in so doing you may succumb to vicious vitriol and hateful hyperbole. Experts on the virus call this side effect “selective memory”.

Stage 3: CMS (closed minded syndrome)

As in other dangerous infectious viruses, if you reach stage 3 – there is very little hope for a cure. This stage includes symptoms such as extreme back pain from repeatedly bending over and sticking your head in the sand, clogged ear canals (from the sand) leading to permanent deafness to the voice of reason, chronic stiff neck due to rigid thinking, slack jaw syndrome due to talking out both sides of your mouth and finally a delusional altered state of reality capable of magical, black and white and completely incorrect thinking. Researchers have documented cases where sufferers actually proclaim they have their own “alternative facts” and others (perceived enemies) who present actual facts are subsequently accused of being deliberately dishonest, weak, self-deceived, overly dramatic and shameful.

Prevention

The center for infectious virus control has issued a list of steps you can take to protect yourself from this toxic strain.

• Inoculate – with facts, figures, data and historical context to fend off the urge to “feel” your way to the truth – a measure which will serve to bolster your immune system, allowing you to build up a natural immunity over time to the ill effects of chronic Hypocrisy-itis.
• Proper nutrition – daily “observe” a balanced diet of certified Red and Blue political porridge (no matter how distasteful the dish may be) with a serving of  Non-GMO (government manufactured opinion) food for thought, with  the main stay of your diet being a huge dose of pure unbiased, non-filtered reality (see step 1). Finally, round out your diet with frequent snacks of heart-healthy humble pie which helps to keep your system resistant to the damaging effects of free radicals.
• Self-Check – perform a daily “self-awareness” exam by asking these important questions: Check your reflexes: do you resist labels like “religious fanatic”, “stupid liberal”, “weak snowflake”, “fascist”, “racist”, etc. interspersed with other colorful superlatives? Do you know and admit your own weaknesses with the realization that you are no better than anyone else? Can you calmly listen to an obviously ill-informed opinion without feeling your blood pressure rise and the need to correct their folly and make sure they understand how “wrong” they are?

Finally, scientists have been working on a vaccine for Hypocrisy-itis for years but after conducting thousands of double blind studies – have not been able to produce a fact-based “truth serum” strong enough to combat human being’s inbred, natural resistance to the cure. Until then, experts recommend protecting yourself as best you can with the above mentioned preventative measures.

Alison Stellner is a professional content writer and mother of two adult children. By day, she is an Orthopedic Exercise Specialist who brings health and wellness to NASA employees. With muscles pumped and stretched, she retreats to her computer and daily feeds her soul through creative writing via her inspirational blog Daily Perspectives on Facebook and YouTube.