by Martin H. Levinson

Thank you for calling the Social Security Administration. For English, press one; para Español, marque número dos; pour la français, presse trois; für deutsch, drücken sie vier, orfay igpay atinlay, esspray ivefay; для русского, нажмите шесть. Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it at anytime during this sentence. If you wish to speak to the operator dial “O” but please keep in mind that wishes are only granted in fairy tales.

If you would like to participate in a brief survey after this call to help us improve our services press one, if you would rather not participate in such a survey press two, if you think phone surveys are a total waste of time press three, if you simply feel a need to press something press four.

Is this call related to a matter you are truly worried about? If it is press one, if it is not press two. If you have pressed one, can you say in a few words what is troubling you? If you have pressed two, please hang up and have a nice day.

I see you have pressed one and have tried to describe your worry but I can’t understand what you said. Would you please repeat what you’re trying to say 400,000 times into the phone? Please do not rush, speak slowly and carefully. Press the star key when you’ve finished speaking.

You have pressed the star key but I am having trouble understanding the message you recorded. Can you find someone nearby who can enunciate properly or perhaps hire an actor or a professional orator to do the speaking for you? I heard you say “no.” If that’s right press one, if that’s not right press two, if you would like to spend some additional time to think about the question press three. You have pressed one so let’s try to get this done another way. Rather than mumbling and speaking so softly that only a dog could hear you, please scream into the phone as loudly as you can. Make sure you are really yelling and not just raising your voice a few decibels.

I believe you said “the sky is green, the moon is blue, the earth is yellow, the stars chartreuse.” If that is what you said press one, if not press two. You have pressed two, which means you didn’t say what I thought you said. If that is true press one, if that is not true press two, if you feel a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes press three, if you feel the truth is unknowable press four.

You have pressed one, which means we still have some work to do. No problem, let’s try something else. Please go to your computer, access a web browser, and type:

www.iamlosingmymindandprobablymyhealthtryingtoget
throughtothesocialsecurityadministration.

When the link comes up click on it, go to the pull down menu at the top of the page, and choose the seventy-fifth option from the bottom. While you are waiting for something to appear on your screen you may want to watch the last season of Game of Thrones, read War and Peace or a book of similar length, or take a week’s vacation in Bermuda.

If you have the patience of Job and the luck of the Irish, you should now be on a page with the heading “Questions about Social Security.” In the middle of that page is a box labeled “I’ve Got a Question.” Below that box please type in your query and when you finish doing that please complete the next 500 pages, which contain questions on every aspect of your life from the date of your conception. Please do not hurry in composing your answers, as they will be checked for accuracy by a government database that knows you better than you know yourself. After you finish this task you should be old enough to collect social security. If you are already on social security, congratulations! Given our latest financial projections, your grandchildren may not be as lucky.

We want to help you to resolve your issues. Please continue to hold and the next available agent will answer your call. The current waiting time to speak to a representative is two weeks, six days, seventeen hours, fifteen minutes, and twenty-three seconds. If you would prefer to have someone call you back press one, listen for the beep, and in a calm, clear voice leave your phone number and the numbers of two people significantly younger than you in case you kick the bucket before we can reach you. If you feel you need additional help, you may want to get in touch with a mental health provider or anyone else who can offer coping strategies for dealing with big bureaucracies that could care less about the people they’re supposed to serve. Thank you for contacting us and have a wonderful day.