by Ethan Goffman

The anti-vaxxers were right! It takes many months after the shots to activate, but the vaccine has a cocktail of micro-chips, DNA-altering chemicals, and genetically modified viruses that have turned us into China-loving zombies.

It is blissful. We are at one with the universe, the Party, and Chairman Xi. All hail our glorious leader! If you are one of the horrible anti-vaxxer terrorists, you are probably depressed, paranoid, constantly angry, or some combination of all three. This is what happens when you are part of the decadent, hyper-individualistic U.S. society.

When you are part of the Chinese group mind, you are calm and at peace, your neurotic individuality gone. If you die for the greater good, it is sad, but also a wonderful sacrifice. The rest of us go on carrying out the will and the harmonious master plan of our great Chairman Xi.

The depth of psychotic resistance coming from the anti- vaxxers was the one factor our glorious Chairman Xi hadn’t anticipated fully—although of course he did foresee the possibility since Chairman Xi is infallible. Still, even he did not understand the excessive depravity of psychotic resistance among the hysterical anti-vaxxers clinging to their so-called freedom which gives them only the right to be miserable.

As more and more of us in the great patriotic vaccinated nation reveal ourselves, in an act of decadent desperation millions of reactionary anti-vaxxers are taking to the woods and mountains to organize a guerrilla resistance to the glorious Chinese nations. They are excessively well armed having, in their group psychosis, spent years stockpiling weapons, including assault rifles and explosives, MREs, and equipment for such a day as this.

Meanwhile we, the vaccinated army, are much more poorly armed and equipped due to our decades of living as bourgeois individualists in the decadent, capitalist West.

Not that the Chinese version of capitalism isn’t good, but the American version is excessive and dangerous, a kind of gangster capitalism, completely unlike the peaceful and loving market socialism of our glorious Chinese state.

Our operatives are working tirelessly to take over the airports so the magnificent Chinese homeland can rush in weapons and military advisors to aid us in the coming Civil War. But the anti-vaxxers are determined to stop us, sending terrorists to the various airports. They are well armed and we must be prepared to die so the collective Chinese mind triumphs and we become one world.

The final battle is joined. Let us pray to Chairman Xi and work together as one to defeat the terrorist anti-vaxxers and create a glorious future.