On March 19, 2003, the United States, along with coalition forces primarily from the United Kingdom, initiated war on Iraq. I’ve always wondered what was President Bush was thinking when he decided to authorize the attack and what he was thinking as the war progressed. And now I know.

The following are excerpts from a diary that George W. Bush kept on the Iraq War. I am not at liberty at this time to say how I came across these excerpts but I can tell you they have been confirmed as authentic by four independent sources and a forensic handwriting expert who when shown the actual diary said, “This was clearly written by a moron and it matches samples I have been given of George W. Bush’s handwriting.”

September 12, 2001: Discussed with Cabinet about how to respond to yesterday’s terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Condi says invade Afghanistan. Cheney says march into Iraq. Rumsfeld suggests attacking France, as intelligence shows the French have weapons of mass destruction and we’ve successfully occupied their country before.

September 22, 2001: Decided to invade Afghanistan. Told General Franks to call NATO and request they help with some of the heavy lifting. He says a French general at NATO headquarters wants the request faxed in. Those damned Frenchies! Should have followed Rummy’s suggestion and invaded France.

June 8, 2002: We’ve kicked the Taliban out of Afghanistan. Cheney says we should move on to Iraq but we’ll need grounds for going there. He claims the CIA believes the Iraqis have WMDs. Not sure what those initials mean, but it’s probably not a good thing. Better ask Laura to find our what WMD stands for before I make any decisions on Iraq.

June 9, 2002: Laura says WMD means Weapons of Mass Destruction and that UN weapons inspectors aren’t sure Saddam has them. Asked her how she knows what the UN inspectors are thinking. She said she read about it in the Washington Post. Cheney never told me that stuff was in the papers. Maybe he just reads the sports section.

July 12, 2002: Asked director George Tenet about whether Saddam has WMDs. He said the CIA believes that Saddam has lots of them stashed away in safe deposit boxes in Switzerland. He also said the CIA thinks that Saddam has a number of jumbo CDs in underground storage facilities in Iraq. I think Tenet may be confusing financial instruments with weapons systems but I’m not completely sure. Will discuss with Cheney the possibility of invading Switzerland.

April 30, 2003: We’ve gone into Iraq and things are going better than expected. The Iraqi army has fled and our troops are in Baghdad watching the locals dismantle the place. Good deal for everybody! The people get to take home the infrastructure and Halliburton gets to rebuild it. Can you say mission accomplished? I’m certainly going to.

September 16, 2004: May have spoken too quickly when I landed on an aircraft carrier and said our work was done. Lots of American soldiers being killed each month and the Iraqis are knocking each other off in fairly large numbers. The situation doesn’t look good. Maybe I should have asked dad his opinion about invading Iraq instead of listening to a bunch of Beltway neocons. No sense crying over spilled milk. Better to let it stay on the floor. Maybe a cat will come by and lap it up.

November 19, 2005: Congressman John Murtha says we should pull the military out of Iraq and station them nearby, to be used in case things get worse. Sounds like a good plan to me but I think I’ll run it by Cheney to get his take on the matter. It was his idea to attack Iraq in the first place. Let him figure out how to pacify the country.

November 22, 2005: Cheney says we should stay in Iraq and that we’re doing quite well in many places there. Asked him how he knew about that. Said he heard about the positive developments from an Iraqi exile whose got relatives in Mosul. Suggested maybe he should go over to Iraq and see for himself what’s going on. Said he’d consider the idea but his lawn needed mowing and there was lots of stuff for him to do around the house, and senate, so he didn’t think he could make it to Iraq till after the first Tuesday in November 2008.

August 10, 2006: The president of Iran, whose name is impossible to spell or pronounce, is a real troublemaker. He’s letting terrorists from his country go into Iraq to stir things up. He said Iran is working on nuclear development projects and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about that. Well, I may be a lame duck but I’m not a dead one. That Arab punk better pay attention to what he says and does. Cheney told me there are enough National Guard troops left in the US to invade Iran. Might be a nice way to burnish my legacy.

December 13, 2006: The Iraq Study Group has issued a report on how to deal with the conflict in Iraq. To paraphrase a great English writer (I think it was Dickens), “It’s a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” The fact is, I’m the decider and what I say goes. Where it goes in Iraq is anybody’s guess, but that doesn’t bother me. Maybe I’ll just clap my hands and wish as hard as I can for things to turn out okay. That worked for Tinker Bell.

January 11, 2007: Told the nation last night about my urge to surge more troops into Iraq. Heard on the radio that some Americans are against the plan and some Democrats want to impeach me for making a mess in the Middle East. My critics can shove it. You go to war with the president you have, not the one you want. I’m the president the country has and Congress better not impeach me because then Cheney will be in charge of things.

October 3, 2007: Blackwater mercenaries accidentally killed 17 Iraqis in Baghdad and the press is all pissed off about it. Don’t see what the big deal is. Accidents happen. Cheney shot a friend of his face when they were quail hunting. The friend forgave him, which is what I’m going with the guys from Blackwater. Case closed.

October 10, 2008: The US economy is in the toilet so people aren’t paying much attention to Iraq. That’s too bad, because things are looking up in Mesopotamia. The stock exchange is booming there since Iraqi banks, unlike banks everywhere else on the planet, never bought any of our toxic mortgage packages. Think I’ll go on TV and tell Americans to invest in the Iraqi stock market. I hear sheep futures are on the upswing.

January 20, 2009: Time to go back to Texas for some R and R. Iraq is Obama’s problem now. I made it through two terms without being impeached for invading the wrong country and screwing up the occupation. Hurray!!!