The Nightmare Before Christmas

Dismayed by his townspeople, Jack wanders away from them. He should have kept going, because he stumbles upon an obsession for the “happy feelings” of Christmas. This almost gets him killed.

It proves that chasing happiness is always dangerous.

Elf

It’s the same joke the entire movie, but if you need a chuckle Will’s abominable acting is entertainment enough.

I have my maid put it on when my family comes for their annual visit. The kids get distracted by his obnoxious faces and I don’t have to deal with them.

A Christmas Carol (all versions)

I’m so tired of films where the bitter recluse becomes “enlightened” and joins the rest of the world. How boring.

Also, it’s well known that ghosts exaggerate. That’s why I have a shaman on my payroll.

Miracle on 34th Street

Poor Santa goes incognito and that annoying brat gets him into trouble. It bolsters my decision to avoid contact with humanity.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

I admire Charlie’s despondence with the world. The ending is completely unrealistic, as there’s nothing really to appreciate about an anorexic Christmas tree.

I had my maid order a special edition without the happy ending. I watch it every year and nod along with Charlie about the droll, hopelessness of humanity.

A Christmas Story

Thank this movie for the dreadful fishnet stocking leg lamp: The thing people buy when they want to be original, but have no idea how to be.

Ralphie’s obsession with that stupid gun is troublesome.

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

The true star of this movie is Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist. I was an actress who wanted to be an onion farmer.

You had to be there. 

I’d like to visit the Island of Misfit Toys

Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

My favorite part is when the Grinch burns the Whobilation Christmas tree with a flamethrower.

When his heart swelled at the end I wanted to vomit.

It’s a Wonderful Life

I was immediately irritated by the title, so avoided contact with this movie. One day I woke up from my post-afternoon-Martini catnap to find that my maid had popped a VHS of this film into my player. After two minutes I was so annoyed by Mary’s pathetic obsession with George, an ugly man who talks funny, that I threw my glass at the screen.

I hate the self-indulgent “it was a dream, life is really worth living” plot. It makes me proud that I died miserably in so many of my films. That sent a better message.

Home Alone

This poor child wants to be alone and those two nasty robbers wreck his fun. I was happy that he got revenge and I would like to invite him over to deal with the paparazzi.

I enjoyed his tar-and-feather gag, so tried it with my maid. She was not amused, but for a brief moment I laughed.

Lauren LoGiudice is a writer and performer from NYC. Her most recent project, Garbo Dreams, involved Greta Garbo’s last days alone in her apartment.