Kurt Luchs

27 October 2017

The Food and Drug Administration has issued a Halloween Candy Advisory for the following sweets and snacks. Many are believed to originate in Eastern Europe or China as deliberate attempts to confuse consumers and flood the market with inferior sound-alike brands that taste even more disgusting than they sound. Obviously this is a completely inappropriate way to honor an innocent national holiday that just happens to have its origins in a Witches’ Sabbath. Do NOT allow your children to ingest any of these candies and other delicacies if they should happen to receive them while Trick or Treating.

Gag Reflex Surprise

Three Muskrats Bar

Herpes Kisses

Yeast Bombs

1. Coli Cola

Loose Stool Caramels

Sidewalks of New York Assortment

Sneakers Bar

Cat Box Granola Mix

Sweat Tarts

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Kurt Luchs has written humor for the Onion, the New Yorker, and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, as well as for television (Politically Incorrect and the Late Late Show) and radio (American Comedy Network). He founded and edits the literary humor site TheBigJewel.com. Sagging Meniscus Press recently published his humor collection, It’s Funny Until Someone Loses an Eye (Then It’s Really Funny).