Professor Ken Grabette of the English department, accused by seven undergraduate women of groping them in his office: “I was just exploring gender boundaries in atextual space, a fascinating albeit unexplored subject that I’m writing an essay about for Beyond Bounds.”

Professor “Dutchie” Feeley, astrophysics, with complaints lodged against him for inappropriate behavior: “I’ve been doing research on celestial bodies, as they used to be called—the effects of force on what are called unstable or jiggly orbs in the system. I really can’t talk more about it—not even my wife knows—because it’s just too technical.”

Assistant Professor Doe Neaubetter, art department, charged with sexual harassment of at least three male models in her live painting class: “A lay audience can’t be expected to understand what’s going on here. We, and I emphasize the collaborative we, are working on a multifaceted installation that combines the visual and tactile senses. Naturally this involves some hands-on treatment. Seen from another angle, it’s a form of artistic license.”

Professor I. Hariss, chair of the philosophy department, accused of trying to initiate sex with three plaintiffs, claims a search for higher truth: “We’ve been investigating Eastern philosophy in my graduate seminar, particularly tantric Buddhism, or knowledge through the body. Some of those positions, well, they’re fiendishly difficult to get into and darned complicated to get out of.”

Juster Letch, adjunct assistant professor of biology, with four counts of molestation: “I can easily explain that. We’ve been going over a much-neglected field in basic biology classes, human anatomy. It’s scandalous how little the average student knows about his body. We devoted two weeks to remedying this gap, though it’s still a woefully ignored area. Do you know that most students don’t even know what the cremaster muscles are?”

Al Dooyer, janitor in the Student Rec Center: spying on women in bathroom stalls through a homemade periscope and stealing panties from the women’s locker room. “Look, I don’t earn much money in this job, and this is—well, let’s just call it a perk.

Hans Awne, in sociology, whose SOC 420: Workplace Habits has occasioned numerous complaints from undergraduates: “Wait. Listen. Learn. What you construe as intrusive is in fact an experiment in invading consensual space: what people do when a comparative stranger gets too close to them. I measure the response on a carefully calibrated scale. So far I’ve conducted this test on twenty people from ages 18 to 22, a time of life when people are solidifying their social identities. This kind of research is thought-provoking, to say the least. It’s unknown territory, but I’m groping toward some answers.”

Gurah Bass, from Linguistics: “Linguistics derives from lingua, the Latin for “tongue,” and the tongue is at the base of all our studies in language. Therefore it makes perfect sense that, in a commingling of languages, we merge tongues, as well as applying tongues to various other organs that may be incapable of speech.”

Noholt Sparred, Dean of Students: “Academic administration is a matter of bargaining and diplomacy, requiring an intimate knowledge of institutional politics and practices. I’m aware that may have little to do with the fondling of three faculty members, but that’s typical of the professoriate: they never understand the kind of work we do, and they’re never properly appreciative.”