Satires

Even the Evil Have Their Good Points

Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Published 3 years ago - MICHAEL J. MANGANO

While Donald Trump’s White House chief of staff, John Kelley, was explaining to him who the allies and adversaries were in both World Wars, the former president was reported to have shockingly said, “Well, Hitler did a lot of good things.” Possibly, if one looks hard enough, a number of history’s most evil individuals can be said to have done “good things.”

Joseph Stalin: Although under his treacherous Soviet reign, he was responsible for the deaths of over 20 million people, one has to admit that giving President Roosevelt the prestigious middle seat at Yalta was quite gracious indeed.

Lucrezia Borgia: This Spanish-Italian noblewoman, who reigned as Governor of Spoleto, is rumored to have been in possession of a hollow ring that she frequently used to poison the drinks of her guests…only, however, after having generously treated those guests to a lavish dinner party.

Al Capone: His involvement in gambling, smuggling, prostitution and murder, including the infamous St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, may have gotten him the label Public Enemy No. 1, but, to his credit, his custom-made suits and Borsalino hats did get gangsters to dress better.

Nero: Rome’s emperor from AD 54 to AD 68, he murdered thousands of people (including every member of his family), by beheading, stabbing, crucifying, and starting the great fire that killed so many of Rome’s citizens…though he did attempt to make their fiery deaths a bit more pleasant by serenading them with his fiddle.

Genghis Kahn: Despite being responsible for the deaths of 20 to 60 million people (15 million in the Iranian plateau alone), this Emperor of Mongolia has been commended for eliminating torture in the Mongol Empire, even though it was by simply killing his enemies instead.

John Wilkes Booth: While this confederate sympathizer, on April 14, 1865, shot our favorite president in the back of the head with a .41 caliber Deringer pistol in Ford’s Theater during the play Our American Cousin, one could say that he was considerate enough to wait until the play was almost over.

Ivan the Terrible: The first Tsar of Russia used to throw animals from the top of tall structures, killed his own heir to the throne, and loved burning, strangling and blinding, as well as playing chess, which he is widely praised for popularizing throughout the country.

Bloody Mary: Mary Tudor, the very first queen of England, is remembered as one of the most bloodthirsty, tyrannical, evil women in history, best known for her religious persecution of Protestants and executions of over 300 subjects…plus, to her credit, the first to prove that women could rule England with the same authority as men (as dubious an honor as that is).

Pretty Boy Floyd: Charles Arthur Floyd, 1934’s Public Enemy No. 1 and the key figure in the Kansas City Massacre (in which four law enforcement officers were killed), along with his gang, terrorized the country for over a decade with a series of bank robberies – which, ironically, were seen positively by the public because it was believed that during these robberies he burned mortgage documents, freeing many people from their debts

Vlad the Impaler: Vlad Dracula, as he was also known, 15th-century military governor of what is now Romania, punished his enemies by impaling them on stakes in the ground and leaving them to die. Though Vlad had never knowingly done anything good, his sadistic personality and cruel acts have been said to inspire Bram Stoker to write Dracula, which has been a worldwide source of entertainment for ages.

Michael J. Mangano is an award-winning creative director and former member of Directors Guild of America, who has written for such talents as Jack Klugman, Judd Hirsch, Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. His humor essays are currently being published online.

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