by Kurt Degerstrom

Right-wing “King James Only” adherents, who claim their namesake is the only pure and perfect version of the Bible, have a new opponent this week: software engineer Marty Blackhouse.

Blackhouse, who began retranslating the Bible from ancient texts while recovering from a hernia operation, claims the King James Version contains many errors.

“Entire passages are missing!” he says.

KJO scholars moved quickly to discredit Blackhouse, calling the programmer’s initial work “amateurish” and “biased by personal circumstance and profession.”

Blackhouse insists the work requires no special skills.  “These days anyone can download the Septuagint and an English-to-Ancient Greek dictionary and make their own Bible.”

The debate is likely to rage for centuries.

Meanwhile the “Blackhouse Bible” remains unfinished.  To date only the following excerpt, Genesis 1:27-45, has been released to the public:

1. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he them; and sent them to Mumbai for quality assurance testing, and prepared to rest,
2. And the report came from Mumbai, and God saw that man had many defects, and the Release Date was approaching,
3. And God saw that man ate uncontrollably, and expelled air from every orifice without warning, and the excrement of man was exceedingly foul, and God said, Behold these defects are Important,
4. And God saw that man was lazy, and slept a third of each day, and begged and stole the other two thirds, and God said, Behold these defects are Critical,
5. And God saw that man did not multiply, and he said, Behold this defect is a Blocker, and we cannot release man if he cannot multiply.  And these other defects are also exceedingly bad,
6. And the engineers said, Behold we have analyzed the Blocker defect, and we see man’s testicle cannot produce sperm at the temperature of man’s body, if left in the abdomen as designed,
7. And so God created the scrotum, and placed the testicle in it, and again sent man to Mumbai for testing, and said, Behold let us now address the Critical and Important defects,
8. And the report came from Mumbai, and God saw the Blocker issue was not fixed, and man still did not multiply, and the Release Date was nigh,
9. And God was exceedingly wrath, and smote the engineers, and said you fools, we cannot release man with this Blocker issue, and there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
10. And the engineers said, Behold, we see in the scrotum the testicle is crushed during the birth of man, and cannot produce sperm thereafter,
11. And so God created a canal for the testicle to pass from the abdomen into the scrotum after birth, and again sent man to Mumbai for testing, and said, Behold let us finally address the Critical and Important defects,
12. And the report came from Mumbai, and God saw the Blocker issue was only partially fixed, and man only multiplied sometimes, and the Release Date was upon them,
13. And God was exceedingly wrath, and again smote the engineers, and said, Behold we are really out of time now so you idiots better come up with something,
14. And the engineers said, Behold we see that sometimes the testicle does not descend through the canal, and sometimes becomes caught halfway down, and sometimes the canal never closes and man develops a hernia, and the rest of the time man doubles over in pain whenever his scrotum is kicked by a mule,
15. And the engineers said, Behold we therefore believe, oh God, that your scrotum canal design is a pile of crap,
16. And God said, Behold the Release Date is NOW, and we have no time for a God-damned redesign, and the mule kicking defect is Important but not a Blocker, and God asked how often the scrotum canal design malfunctioned,
17. And the engineers said, Behold about half the time, and God smiled and said, Behold man shall have TWO testicles, and he again sent man to Mumbai, and Mumbai confirmed the Blocker issue was fixed,
18. And God said thank God, and released man on time, and with only Critical and Important defects,
19. And God blessed man, and commanded him to be fruitful, and multiply, and to stay clear of mules.