On the verge of a nervous breakdown, Mr. Peanut opens up to G.W. Carver

Dear Mr. Carver,

You and I have come a long way since the turn of the 20th century, when you essentially hoisted me into the spotlight while at the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama. Your intentions were admirable: To give poor farmers an alternative crop to grow (besides cotton) in order to improve the soil, while simultaneously providing a viable food for them to eat. In fact, at one point you even offered 105 recipes that contained me in order to showcase my versatility and practicality.

But my oh my how times have changed. Today, it seems that I’m under severe attack. From school lunchrooms to children’s birthday parties, I’ve been all but banned. It is “strongly suggested” that I’m removed from any foods that I could enhance in order to “ensure no unnecessary allergic reactions to the young and innocent.” Just yesterday, as I was getting ready to fly to Miami for an international ping-pong competition (I’m quite dexterous as you know), I received a notification that they would no longer be serving me on their aircraft. Rather, the customers would be “able to enjoy other snacks such as pretzels and peanut-free snack mix.” Those other interlopers don’t offer nearly the same nutritional benefits that I do, the least of which is protein. What is this world coming to dear Sir?

I’m starting to empathize with my pal, Miss Soybean, who seemingly endured a similar public denouncement fueled by celebrities and yoga-lovers on the west coast. Before we knew it, her milk was replaced by that sneaky almond. Starbucks certainly didn’t help her case. Which brings me to my next point.

What is also rather disturbing is the fact that there seems to be some kind of nut-butter conspiracy forged by all of the natural grocers. I’ve been replaced with sunflowers, almonds (that imposter!), and cashews, and the other day I even saw something called “organic coconut manna”, which is supposedly a replacement for me. What the hell? When did coconuts make their way into the actual nut family? I know it’s been argued that they could technically be classified as a seed, fruit, or nut, but honestly I find it highly improbable that anyone with even a me-sized brain would believe that crock of horseshit.

Do people really know what they’re doing when they all of the sudden make me the bad guy? All those yummy foods and recipes that depend on me? Your mother’s homemade peanut butter cookies. Reese’s entire brand. Has anyone thought about what will become of the cocktail party without me? And what are those poor kiddos going to dip their apples in, huh?

I’m sorry that this letter has turned into such a bitch fest, and that’s enough complaining for one day. I just thought you should be aware of all the changes that have gone on since you so miraculously and adeptly brought me to the forefront of the farming revolution, and thus a mainstay American food. I’ll try to stay positive, and I’ll do my best to make you proud…even though the odds seem quite stacked against me. Thank God for the EpiPen, or we’d been in really deep doo doo – and not the kind that helps the soil either.

Yours forever,

Mr. Peanut