My real name is Selina Kyle, but most people know me as Catwoman. I used to be Batman’s adversary but soon became his ally, realizing that he was fighting to rid Gotham of all those autocratic assholes who wanted to take over the city. You know who I mean: Joker, Penguin, and all those other would-be dictators who wanted to run the city themselves and deprive the citizens from having any say.

Well, as bad as those guys were, I never encountered anyone quite as dangerous as this JD Vance guy…except for his boss, of course. I mean, listen to the guy: he says that the country is run “…by a bunch of childless cat ladies.” Childless cat ladies?! Really?! Now I may presently be in a kind of semi-retirement, but when I heard this comment I wanted to don my old Catwoman suit – I can still fit into it, by the way – and go to Ohio, or wherever the hell he happens to be, and scratch his goddamn eyes out. And don’t think I can’t do it. He’ll wish he just had a bullet graze his ear, like his boss did. And by the way, I didn’t realize that I was one of the ones, as he maintained, running the country. I’m not even running Gotham…just trying to keep people like him and his boss from running it. Or, I should say, ruining it.

The misinformed autocrat also said that women like us are “…obsessed with their wealth and with their fortunes.” Well, for one thing, though I may be a childless cat lady, I have no wealth to be obsessed with, like most middle-class Americans. That’s right, I’m middle-class…Bruce Wayne is the one with all the money.

Oh yes, the other thing he said is that we have, quote, “no stake in the nation’s future,” which really gets my claws out. Why is that, you fucking misogynist, because we have no children? Or because we have cats? And why did you mention cats at all, anyway? To be like your predator boss with his famous “pussy” remark? What’s with you two and your feline obsessions?

You know who this guy reminds me of? Another famous Gotham City villain: Two-Face. Except JD is even more two-faced. Just a few years ago, he referred to his boss as “loathsome…an idiot…America’s Hitler,” and now he praises him as “The best president of my lifetime.” I mean, c’mon, mister one-eighty, how can you look at yourself in the mirror? You may not be as physically disfigured as Two-Face, but morally you’re a mess.

By the way, something interesting recently occurred to me: after giving it some thought, I realized that JD’s aforementioned, controversial “running the country” statement may, in fact, turn out to have some truth to it – because after November fifth a woman could wind up running the country. Hey, she might even decide to get a cat.