CANDIDATES ANONYMOUS
(a short screenplay about a very long campaign)

By Mollie Fermaglich

FADE IN:

INT. – Basement of a Washington D.C. church – Evening

Modest, poorly lit large space.  A tall coffee urn sits on a long aluminum table on one side of the room.  A couple of trays of sad-looking pastries and cookies, a tall urn of coffee and a pile of pamphlets on table.

A GROUP OF PEOPLE sit on folding bridge chairs.

CLOSE ON:

AMY KLOCHUBAR, BETO O’ROURKE, BERNIE SANDERS, ELIZABETH WARREN, PETE BUTTIGIEG, COREY BOOKER, KAMALA HARRIS, AND ANDREW YANG.  JOE BIDEN stands at a rickety wood podium, facing the crowd.

BIDEN
I’d like to welcome all of you to the first
gathering of the Washington meetup.com’s
Millennial Power Moms!

KAMALA HARRIS shakes her head, turns to COREY BOOKER.  She puts her index finger to the side of her forehead and twirls in 360-degree motion, indicating craziness.

KAMALA
Here we go again…

BOOKER
At least he knows we’re in D.C.

BIDEN
Let’s have a drink up on that Space Needle
when we’re done here.

BUTTIGIEG
Um, Joe – I think the Space Needle’s in
Seattle.

BIDEN
Now, how many here are stay-at-home
moms, running a thriving business while
raising a family any parent would be
proud of?
(sings)
I can bring home the bacon
Fry it up in a pan
And never ever forget you’re the man
Because I’m a wommmm-mmannn…
W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again…

BOOKER
Jeezus…

BUTTIGIEG
I have a personal relationship with our Lord.
Would you like me to put in a good word?

BIDEN
Did I tell all of you about my days as a
lifeguard and a punk named ‘Corn Pop’?

BOOKER
(to Harris)
Didn’t happen.  Ain’t no brother named
‘Corn Pop’.

HARRIS
Ain’t no brother named ‘Corey.’

KLOCHUBAR
(to both)
Don’t count out Crazy Joe.  He’s as crazy
as a fox.  Remember that mobster who
walked around New York City in a bathrobe
for 30 years…?

On BERNIE SANDERS, wiping spittle from the corners of his mouth, taps Elizabeth Warren and points to snack table.

SANDERS
Are those Entenmann’s L’il Bites
mini-muffins?  Gosh, I love them…

WARREN
Little Bites, not L’il Bites.  I prefer corn muffins
Or, as my people call them, maize muffins.

CASTRO
You tell ‘em, Sacajawea.

ANDREW YANG types furiously on his IPAD.

YANG
I think I’ve got the muffin problem
handled.  A grand a month times 330
million… no problem – free muffins and
free money for everyone!

O’ROURKE
Carbohydrates are killing millions of
Americans every year.  Hell yes – we are
going to take away your Tastycakes,
your Little Debbie’s Pecan Spinwheels,
your Drakes Cakes and Hostess Ho-Hos…

CASTRO
(to O’Rourke)
We don’t eat that shit, gringo.  We like
churros. And those Maria biscuits.

He turns to Elizabeth Warren

CASTRO
Maize muffins?  No such thing as maize
muffins, but how would you know?  You’re
not Native American – you just play one
on TV.  You’re a plagiarist.  And a liar!
And a plagiarist!

BUTTIGIEG
Now just a gosh-darned minute, Julian…

CASTRO
Whoooo-lian, not Jooo-lee-in, you piece of
white bread-and-Miracle-Whip sandwich!
(to Warren)
My brother, Wahhhh-keen, not Joe-keen,
sent me the Kindle version of your cookbook, Sitting-Bullshit-Artist.  Know what
it’s called?

BERNIE
The Joy of Bison?

CASTRO
Pow Wow Chow!

ALL BUT WARREN
Wow…

WARREN
My mother told me how Indian… how Native
American I was.  I even had buckskin dresses
with corn beads and woven beaded belts and
moccasins.  She made me wear that stuff and all
the other kids made fun of me, especially on
my birthday, when she forced me to wear this
headdress made of colored deerskin and
porcupine guard hair, when I could have worn
pretty jumpers and Mary Janes and adorable
cardigan sweaters…

HARRIS
Well, you made up for it now.  You have more
sweaters than a J. Crew catalogue…

Biden walks up to Warren and holds up one hand.

BIDEN
How!

WARREN
Excuse me?

BIDEN
I said, ‘how!’

WARREN
How what?

BOOKER
(to Harris)
Is this like “Who’s on First?”  Always loved
that Abbott and Costello…
(chuckles out loud)
All I’m trying to do if figure out who’s on
first base?  Who…

BIDEN
(to Warren)
Well, that proves it.  You can’t be Native
American if you don’t know the lost Hekawi
Tribe’s formal greeting, which apparently
you don’t.

WARREN
Hekawi Tribe?

BIDEN
F Troop?  The Hewaki Tribe?  Chief Wild
Eagle?  Come on, Kimosabe, get it together!

BOOKER
(to Warren)
Kimosabe?

HARRIS
Spartacus?

BOOKER
I am.  Spartacus.

HARRIS
No you’re not.  You’re Corey Booker, from one
of the wealthiest towns in New Jersey.  Both
your parents were IBM executives, and you
live in Newark because it freaks out your rich
parents. Like a teenage rebellion, only you’re
fifty.

BUTTIGIEG
Now just a doggone minute – if Corey self-
identifies as Spartacus, there’s nothing wrong
with that…
(sotto voce)
Nothing wrong with a Thracian gladiator…
No sirree Bob…

Biden, laughing, slaps Buttigieg on the back.

BIDEN
Hey man – I was just thinking – your
last name starts with “butt.”  Butt – hehehe…

CASTRO
(to Biden)
The first half of your last name should
be ‘imbecile.’
(to Warren)
Bandita!

O’ROURKE
Bandita.  That’s like bandito, only it’s the
feminine of the word.  Hell, yes – we’ll
take away your feminine and masculine
pronouns – your “his” and “her,” and “he” and
“she,” and make it mandatory to replace them
with “ze,” and “zir” and “ey” “hir,” “co,” and
all sorts of monosyllabic words that sound
like they’re made up, and probably, technically
cannot be used in Scrabble, so – hell, yes! –
we’ll take away your Scrabble, your Boggle,
your Scattergories, your…

WARREN
(to Castro)
Bandito only refers to Mexican outlaws.  I
am 1/1064^th Native American.  But Daddy swore
that I was 1/73^rd Oaxacan, so, technically I
guess I’m Mexican, so…

CASTRO
And let’s not forget that your husband claimed,
in your offensive, partially plagiarized cookbook,
that he was Cherokee, with his recipe for Oriental
Beef Stir-Fry!

YANG
Now, I’m offended.  That’s a Chinese dish.
Hmmmm… I could cure hunger in America by –
Now, wait a minute…

Opens his iPad.  Again.

YANG (cont’d)
Yes!  330 million Americans times that many
quarts of Oriental Beef Stir-Fry, those tiny
cute pints of rice and some rubbery fortune
cookies for all Americans every month!

BERNIE
Stir-Fry Beef.  Brings back childhood memories.
My family always broke the Yom Kippur fast
with Chinese food.  Not that I believe in Yom
Kippur.  It’s a very Jewwwy holiday.

CASTRO
Well, if the “Jew” fits…

Biden gets everyone’s attention by hitting a hotel-desk bell.

BIDEN
Come on, man – this is supposed to be a
support group.  Help yourself to some
refreshments and we’ll get started.  Man, it’s not
easy running a campaign.  So what if I thought
a Prime Minister’s mother died and it was his
father?  He was still down one parent, am I right?
Who cares if I told a paraplegic to stand up?
So, I was in New Hampshire and I thought I was
in Vermont. They’re next-door neighbors.
Come on, man!

BUTTIGIEG
I’m sorry, but what is it about this group
that’s supportive?

DOOR OPENS and BILL DEBLASIO struts in as though he belongs there.

DEBLASIO
Yo soy la revolución!

HARRIS
No you’re not.  You’re the mayor New York
City hates.

Booker shoots look of disgust at DeBlasio.

BOOKER
(sings)
Who let the dog out?  Woof, woof, woof,
woof!

ALL BUT DEBLASIO
Who let the dog out?  Woof, woof, woof,
woof!

BOOKER
(to DeBlasio)
I’m telling you, DeBlasio – stop appropriating
my culture!

DEBLASIO
Listen, Booker – for the last 21 years, I’ve
been raising a black son in America.  And I’ve
had to have very, very serious talks with him
about…

KLOBUCHAR
… about how to protect himself on the streets
of New York, in your chauffeur-driven, bullet-
proof Cadillac Escalade.  Someone, please
change the record for him…

CASTRO
Yeah, Lurch.  Maybe you should be having
some serious talks with your constituents about
how to protect themselves.  I heard you turned
New York back into a real cesspool.

WARREN
(to DeBlasio)
As one of the great philosophers of our time
has said, “haters going to hate, hate,    hate,
hate, hate.”  Knowing who you are helps you
“shake it off.”

BIDEN
You tell ‘em, Kimosabe.  Okay then –
let’s see by a show of hands, moms, if you’re
still planning on running for Chapter chair-
person.  I said chairperson – yay for me!

DEBLASIO
Well, comrades – you know what I say.  From
each according to his ability, to each according
to his needs.  After all, I was able to run New
York City all the way from Iowa.

All LOL

WARREN
I’m going to have a beer.  Say, have you met
my husband?

She turns to front door and all watch as a non-threatening WASP, grey-haired man, wearing head-to-toe LL Bean, ambles in.

WARREN
This is my husband, Bruce.  Say hello, Bruce.

BRUCE
Hello, everyone.  Would have gotten here sooner,
but, after jibing the sailboat in a wind that would
knock the socks off you, I did a little antiquing.
I also chopped some wood, and managed to get
in the front nine before driving over here.  With
Cooper.

An oblivious Golden Retriever enters and runs to Bruce’s side.

WARREN
This is our golden retriever.  Cooper.  Want a
beer, Bruce?  I love you.  Love that man!

BIDEN
(to no one in particular)
So, I picked up this heavy piece of chain, and
stared down this Corn Pop.  “Put that razor blade
down or I’ll beat you like a drum!”  I said, I told
him, “I’ll meet you outside, behind the public
housing and…

BERNIE
Public housing isn’t a privilege, it’s a right!
(beat)
Say, any black & white cookies over there?

Biden tosses him one.

BERNIE (cont’d)
What a cookie!  A cookie without racial
inequality.

YANG
(tabulating)
So, that’s one apartment – let’s say a two-
bedroom apartment in public housing for
all Americans– and we’ll even throw
in a box of black&white cookies for
all – that we can do!

O’ROURKE
And each undocumented American.  They’re
just like us.  Only illegal…

Bernie is savoring his black&white cookie.

BERNIE
I used to like the chocolate half more.
Now, it’s the vanilla.  Go figure.

O’ROURKE
It means you’re a racist, Sanders.  An old,
straight, white cisgendered one at that.

BUTTIGIEG
We’re all different, Robert Francis…

O’ROURKE
Beto.  Me llama Beto.

BUTTIGIEG
(trying not to smirk)
Right.  Anyway, I’m a gay man and a man
of faith.  Sort of a cross between Mr. Rogers
and Sal Mineo.

BOOKER
I am Spartacus!

HARRIS
(to Booker)
Corey!  Ixnay on the Partacus-ay!

BIDEN
You’re not Spartacus!

BOOKER
Say, Biden – where do you stand on reparations
for people of color?

ANDREW
Can do!  Free reparations for everyone!

BOOKER
You fool!  Reparations aren’t for everyone.

BIDEN
(to Yang)
Silly rabbit!  Trix are for kids!

WARREN
Why reparations only for black people?  How
about the Sioux?  The Apache, Cheyenne,
Navajos, the Lakota…

HARRIS
Bitch is angling for her own casino.

O’Rourke stands and faces the crowd.

O’ROURKE
I am guilty of white privilege…

BERNIE
It’s not a privilege, it’s a right!

O’ROURKE
Um, no… I think “white privilege” is
a privilege, Bernie.  But you’re correct,
old man – it should be a right! I think…

O’Rourke looks at DeBlasio, who now sports a Che Guevera beret.

O’ROURKE
(to DeBlasio)
Like seriously, man – how the hell did you get
in here?  Go back to New York.

DEBLASIO
Not a problem.  My staff’s minding the store
for me.  I put in almost ten hours this month.
And, oh yeah – Go Red Sox!

BIDEN
Go, Red Sox!

YANG
Season tickets to every hometown baseball
game for every person in the country!

HARRIS
(to Yang)
You do know that if you keep on giving away
free stuff, there’ll be nothing for the rest of
us to take.

SANDERS
Free stuff is a right, not a privilege!

The door springs open.  It is HILLARY CLINTON.

HILLARY
Did I hear someone say ‘free stuff”?  Have
any of you perchance, heard of the Clinton
Foundation?  We’re very big on donations –
used clothing, canned goods, cash, cash, cash.
Did I mention cash?

BOOKER
Thinking of buying Chelsea another apartment?

HILLARY
Well, actually, there’s a congressional seat opening
up in Chappaqua, where Bill and I live…

DEBLASIO
Carpetbagger.

HARRIS
I have to say, you’ve sure gotten your daughter
a lot of prestigious jobs.  I saw her correspondent
debut on NBC…

BOOKER
Fail.  They paid her $600,000 a year and she
was terrible.  All that money and she had the
presence of a Bosc pear.

BUTTIGIEG
That’s not nice, Corey…

HARRIS
Is she still an Assistant Vice-Provost
at New York University?  Wow – she must
have had lots of university experience. For
a 26-year old.  Talk about your white
privilege…

BOOKER
Fail.  Shouldn’t she have started as a T.A.?
Straight to Provost.  Damn…

HARRIS
And then a consultant…

BOOKER
Fail.

HARRIS
Co-op board member, dog-walker…

BOOKER
Fail.  Fail.

HARRIS
Plumber apprentice, flying instructor,
juggler…

HILLARY
Yes, so you can see how hard she worked
for her money.  And you left out board of
directors of the Clinton Foundation.  And she donated almost all of her $900,000 salary to charity!

HARRIS
Well, you call it charity.  I call it the Clinton
Foundation.  She just should have skipped
the bank deposit slip and left all that charity
in her checking account.  You Clintons are
one slippery, sneaky bunch…

HILLARY
You call us slippery, but I call us resilient.
Maybe, it’s time for some of you bush leaguers –
Beto Robert Francis – to head on out of here?
Our party needs someone who can win the presidency!

Everyone clears his throat.

BUTTIGIEG
I agree, but Trump belongs to that other party.

HILLARY
I said I can beat him.  I beat him before, I’ll
beat him again!

KLOBUCHAR
(to others)
She’s had a psychotic break.  Finally!

BUTTIGIEG
Mrs. Clinton – I’m afraid you – hmmm, how do
I put this?  Um – you’re in a support group in an
old church, and Trump’s in the White House.
(beat)
He’s the President.

CLINTON
He’s a Russian asset.  I won the popular vote.

CASTRO
He won the Electoral College.

SANDERS
Free Electoral College is a right…

ALL
(bored)
…not a privilege.  Yada dada yada…

CLINTON
(to Bernie)
It’s all your fault, old man!  Your attacks on
me practically handed the election to that…
that orangutan.

O’ROURKE
Wait a minute – I thought it was the great
right-wing conspiracy

CLINTON
It was Putin.  Damn those Russians…!  It was
men.  Men – husbands and fathers and boyfriends
and employers, telling everyone not to vote for
“the girl.”

CASTRO
(stifling a laugh)
Girl?  Girl?  Con todo respeto, Senora Clinton –
you haven’t been a “girl” since the Bowery was
a prairie.

CLINTON
Do you see?  Just as I was saying, sexism and
misogyny cost me that election…

KLOBUCHAR
Sure, you lunatic…

CLINTON
Would you believe systemic racism?  Climate
change?  Severe allergic reaction to Clams
Oreganato? The Professor and Marianne…?

BIDEN
For me, it’s those darned purple grapes. Makes
me break out in hives the size of grapes…

KLOBUCHAR
(to Biden)
We didn’t even need this whole scandal with
your son and Ukraine.
(beat)
Didn’t we used to call it The Ukraine?

BIDEN
Agreed.  The Ukraine?  Ukraine?  You say
po-tay-to, I say po-tah-to, You say to-may-to
and I say to-mah-to…

CLINTON
Joe, the tribe has spoken.  Time for you to
go.

He walks to snack table and grabs some cookies.

CLINTON
O’Rourke – no one wants to see a candidate
take a flu shot, or have his ear hair trimmed.

O’ROURKE
Really?  Well, no one wants to hear an old
white woman say she walks around with
hot sauce in her bag, and tell America she’s
everyone’s abuela…

CASTRO
(to Hillary)
Hell, you ain’t my abuela.  My abuela has
good legs so she don’t need to wear those
fugly pantsuits.

CLINTON
(to Castro)
You wax your eyebrows.

BETO
Me too! It’s – it’s so freeing, getting
in touch with your feminine side.

WARREN
Hmmm – maybe I should try that.

CLINTON
(to Warren)
Let’s face it, Fake-A-Hontas – you’re a
bold-faced liar…

WARREN
Benghazi. That email server.  Monica Lewinsky
was a great right-wing conspiracy.  “I was named
after Sir Edmund Hillary.”  Except, bold-faced
liar – you were born five years before anyone
even heard of him!  Being greeted in Bosnia by
sniper fire? Ha!

BIDEN
(to himself)
So, I says to Sinatra, “Oh, really man?”
New York, New York?  Chicago, that
toddlin’ town?  Moonlight in Vermont?
You love Paris in the springtime?  What
the hell, man – how about Delaware?

HARRIS
(to all)
You know, this is a whole lot of crazy.
I’m outta here.  Maybe 2024…

She exits.

BUTTIGIEG
I really love South Bend.  It’s a honey
of a town.  So homey and…and…
Mid-westy… Did you know that the
Studebaker Museum is located smack-
dab in South Bend?

He follows.

KLOBUCHAR
If I really face facts, no one even knows
who I am, and those who do don’t like
me.  I’m going to have to re-think my
options…

She leaves.

BOOKER
Truth is, I always wanted to be the first
black president and Barack killed that
dream…  Thanks, Obama.

Exit Booker.

WARREN
… maybe I could do more good on the
reservation.
(to her husband)
We could buy a Wigwam condo.  Or teepee
or maybe an Adobe!  I can’t wait to go
back to a diet of maize and buffalo meat,
squash.  But not that Indian Corn – I think it’s
shellacked.  Or candy corn – it’s not
corn at all…

BRUCE
We could weave blankets, and carve some
Totems, Have another beer.  Can’t wait to
get my hands on a cold bottle of Fire Water.

They leave, arm in arm.  The dog follows.

BERNIE
Truth is, I’d rather enjoy some corned beef
on a good seeded rye, can of Dr. Brown’s
Cel-Ray than a heart-healthy diet. Wonder
if they have Jewish cold cuts in Havana…?

Bernie takes off – we HEAR him gasping off-camera – another heart attack.  No one helps.

O’ROURKE
I’m going to start taking away everyone’s
guns right now, so I won’t have much time
for campaigning.  Come to Papa, all you
AK-47s, AK-74s, Ruger 10/22s, TEC-DC9s…

CASTRO
How do you know the names of so many
weapons.

As he grabs a scooter from nowhere, starts scooting out, then turns with his answer.

O’ROURKE
I collect them!

Exit O’Rourke.

DEBLASIO
I don’t have a chance.  Never thought I did,
but – free airfare and trips to some of the
nation’s finest cities.
(to Yang, Castro, Biden)
Wasn’t Iowa fun? Corn dogs.  Chicken
Fried Tacos.  Too many white people.
Yo soy la revolución!

CASTRO
No, tu eres el peor alcalde en la historia de
Historia de la ciudad de Nueva York.  Y tenian
a David Dinkins.

DEBLASIO
Fun’s fun but it’s time for me to head
back to New York and hide the homeless
people.

He’s outta there, leaving just Biden, Yang, Clinton and Castro.

YANG
(absorbed in his iPad)
Homeless New Yorkers who will, when I am
elected, get $1,000 a month, every month!

CLINTON
Just in case you win, I have proxies from
every homeless person in the country to
send their checks to the Clinton Foundation,
as they don’t have checking accounts.
We’ll make sure they get their money.

Biden, Yang and Castro LOL.  Yang leaves.

In meantime, Biden has located and is trying to solve Rubik’s Cube.

BIDEN
Darn!  I knew the logarithm – at least I
thought I did but…

CASTRO
Algorithm, not logarithm!
(to Clinton)
No – he can’t be President.  We’ll be the
laughing stock of the universe…Really.
Martians will laugh at us.  Moon rocks
will laugh at us…

CLINTON
(to Castro)
I’ve got this.  Look!  Joe!  Over there!
Outside in the hallway…

He walks outside

BIDEN
Ooooh – shiny!

Hillary locks him out, leaving herself and Castro alone in the basement room

CLINTON
Well?

CASTRO
Hell no!  I’m not leaving!

CLINTON
(beat)
Then we could have ourselves a bit of a
Mexican stand-off…

CASTRO
Really, you fat, cankled, power-hungry hag?
You’re like Lady Macbeth.  Without her
compassion.

CLINTON
Misogynist!

CASTRO
Gringa!  You’re the worst thing to happen
to pantsuits since stretch denim.

CLINTON
That all you have, Julian?

They each take a seat, facing each other.  Silence, and then…

CLINTON (cont’d)
Look – the bottom line is, we have to beat
the man who stole the election from me.

CASTRO shoots her a skeptical look.

CASTRO
Hillary, we’re alone now.  You can say it.

She looks around to make sure they’re alone.

CLINTON
(beat)
Really?

He nods

CLINTON
Fine.
(beat)
What difference at this point does it make?

CASTRO
I’ll pretend you didn’t just say that.

CLINTON
Okay, okay.
(sobbing)
Tr..Tr..Trump won.  But if you tell anyone,
I’ll…

CASTRO
Say no more.  I’m well aware of the unfounded
rumors about some Clinton body count, which
I’m increasingly convinced is yet again another
right-wing conspiracy.

A figurative light bulb over Hillary’s head.

CLINTON
(beat)
Maybe… just maybe, if we put our two
heads together, set aside our differences…

CASTRO
And?  And?  Senora Hillary, you’re not
suggesting…?

CLINTON
Yes!  We run together on the same ticket!

CASTRO
And the top of the ticket would be…?

CLINTON
Why me, of course.

CASTRO (V.O.)
She almost passed out getting into her van during
the 2016 campaign. Pretty good chance she’ll
croak before the first term’s over…
(to Hillary)
You’ve got yourself a deal!

CLINTON
Just think of it – double “Cs.”  Coca and Cola,
Coco and Chanel, Castro – the other one – and
Che.  And now…

Castro closes his eyes and, from his POV, we see the illuminated bulletin board above One Times Square that zips around the building with the day’s news.  Instead of news, he sees “Vince Foster,” ‘William Colby,” “Ron Miller,” “Ron Brown,” “Jeffrey Epstein.”

CASTRO
Clinton and Castro!  Madame Secretary, it would
be my great honor to serve as your vice-president.

CLINTON
Pinky-swear?

They link pinkies for a second.  She turns off the lights and they head out the door, and we see them from behind as they slowly walk out of the church.

CLINTON (cont’d)
Louie, I think this is the beginning of a
beautiful friendship.

CASTRO
Louie?  You know my name is Julian.

She gives him a disapproving, almost threatening look.

CASTRO (cont’d)
Julian, Louie, what difference at this point
does it make?

FADE OUT
THE END