by Dan Geddes

14 January 2000

Introduction
Take The Breyers-Devere Probe of Human Worth!
How the Questions Are Designed
Moral Absolutist (A) vs. Moral Relativist (R)
Egoists (E) vs. Team-Players (T)
Intellectual (I) vs. Feeler (F)
Optimist (O) vs. Pessimist (P)
Übermensch/Überfrau (U) vs. Sheep (S)
The 32 Personality Types – Examples from History and Television, and Suggested Vocations
Conclusion

Introduction

As the labor shortage becomes more acute, human resource professionals have demanded briefer yet still accurate psychological assessment tools. Human Resource Departments across the country have been forced to dispense with the Myers-Briggs test in place of the new Breyers-Devere Probe of Human Worth (BDPHW).

The Breyers-Devere Probe consists of only fifteen questions. While the Myers-Briggs test captures only four facets of human personality, the Breyers-Devere Probe captures five—and with greater efficiency.

The Probe is officially administered in a booth designed to ensure that the subject doesn’t over-cogitate his or her answers. The test is best taken on a custom-built Breyers-Devere computer, the monitor of which scans the eye movements of the subject to determine when each question has been read. If the subject fails to click on an answer within 1.414 seconds, the computer mouse administers a brief electric shock, and the next question is displayed on the screen.

The five personality polarities measured are:

• Absolutists (A) vs. Relativists (R) (Morally speaking) ;
• Egoists (E) vs. Team-players (T);
• Intellectuals (I) vs. Feelers (F);
• Optimists (O) vs. Pessimists (P); and
• Übermensch (Ü) vs. Sheep (S).

You are encouraged to take the sample test. After answering the fifteen questions, click the button marked “Tell Me Who I Am”.

We regret we are unable to replicate actual testing conditions below.

See also: Are You A Conspiracy Theorist? Take The Test and An Ethics Test for Presidential Candidates

The Breyers-Devere Probe of Human Worth

Instructions: For each question, select “I Agree” for I Agree, or “I Disagree” for I Disagree.

Hint: Try to forget that this may read by your current and all future employers.

1. I know that most of the crimes I have committed will go unpunished.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
2. Environmentalism makes sense in theory, but is just too disruptive to our Economy.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
3. Even when they are saccharine and maudlin, I like movies that make me laugh or cry.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
4. When many things go wrong on the same day, I feel that the universe or God is punishing me.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
5. Whenever I am overcharged in a restaurant, I am afraid to challenge my server, and so doodle on a napkin instead.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
6. The ends justify the means.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
7. Sometimes I like parties.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
8. I prefer cold, abstract ideas to friendly people.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
9. The glass is half-full.
   I Agree
   I Disagree
10. In any communal dining experience, I always feel I have a right to the last morsel of any common foodstuff.
    I Agree
    I Disagree
11. I am sure that I am usually watched by either cameras, aliens, or God.
    I Agree
    I Disagree
12. Most of the time, I am just a little more interesting than the person I am speaking with.
    I Agree
    I Disagree
13. Sometimes I am suspicious of words like ’theory’.
    I Agree
    I Disagree
14. The universe just may be a vast plot to ensure my unhappiness.
    I Agree
    I Disagree
15. When my boss is unfair to me, I sometimes stick up for myself, or have harmless fantasies about his or her death.
    I Agree
    I Disagree

How the Questions Are Designed

The questions are designed to evoke feelings of injustice in the subjects, as both agreement and disagreement with some of the statements may sound like admissions of guilt to potential employers. This is perfectly natural; everyone is guilty of something. Many subjects of the probe describe wanting to answer “Yes, but…” to many of the questions. These people may be highly nuanced thinkers, i.e., indecisive sheep (S), and so unfit for senior management.

If you leave the test blank, you are officially scored a RTFPS. This is not a mistake, but part of the test’s design, that by default it reflects the personalities of most people. This is not a “value judgement” about the quality of human life, a value that we feel is best left to the Biogenetic industry to decide. As human resource professionals, we are concerned mainly with what is now becoming known in HR circles as “human worth,” i.e., the value of human resources (as opposed to technological ones) within a corporate structure.

Note that there are usually three questions to measure each type, so choosing, for example, the Absolutist (A) response to two of the three A/R questions, makes you an Absolutist.

Moral Absolutist (A) vs. Moral Relativist (R)

Moral absolutists believe in an absolute moral structure, usually based upon a religion or a dubious belief-system such as Freudianism and Marxism. They are apt to use phrases such as “It’s only right!”

Relativists believe that morals are relative to a situation, and can rarely make expedient business decisions, or even decide where to have dinner.

Egoists (E) vs. Team-Players (T)

Egoists perform best in individual endeavors such as the arts, in which it is imperative that one consciousness grasp the whole undertaking. They also relate everything you say in terms of events in their own lives, no matter how remote the connection.

Team players function best in a team environment, but they may or not be leaders (See Übermensch). Team Players may be sheep who hide their mediocrity in the crowd.

Intellectual (I) vs. Feeler (F)

Intellectuals approach problems with thought, but can’t even eat a sandwich without telling you about some book you never read.

Feelers respond emotionally and immediately, and do not tend to filter experience through their logical faculties. Feelers want their feelings affirmed, and understood, but rarely analyzed, especially by intellectuals, and certainly not be Absolutist Intellectuals.

Optimist (O) vs. Pessimist (P)

Optimists believe the universe tends toward progress, and usually carry themselves in a happy manner that is especially irksome to pessimists.

All pessimists believe that they are realists, and that their individual world is programmed for defeat.

Übermensch/Überfrau (U) vs. Sheep (S)

Übermenschen (“overmen”) have overcome self-doubt, and do whatever they do confidently; they are the leaders of the team if Team-Players, and often are blazingly original minds if Egoists. Masters of themselves, they refuse to be dominated by (or even interested in the lives of) other people.

Sheep, whatever their other qualities, follow the herds, and try to hide their indelible mediocrity. Sheep who are also Team Players, function well in such a milieu, while Egoistic Sheep always make noises about being better than the other sheep and being Übermensch material, but seldom are.

The 32 Personality Types – Examples from History and Television, and Suggested Vocations

Once you have calculated your proclivities to the five personality polarities, find yourself in the chart below.

While skeptics (often classic REIPS’s) may doubt that the test can accurately gauge personality traits on the basis of a few questions, our studies have shown that the strict time pressures of the Probe ensure that the subject’s mind is properly gauged.

Much more meaningful data is generated about the subjects from the Breyers-Devere Probe than from old-paradigm personality assessments. Corporate clients can also buy supplemental literature, A Corporate Guide to the Breyers-Devere Probe of Human Worth, which suggests further conclusions that can be drawn about each prospective employee who has taken the test. For example, in response to the question, “Sometimes I like parties,” applicants who agree may be Team-Players (but are also red-flagged for alcohol and drug abuse testing), whereas many who disagree are AEIPS, and fit our secret Unabomber profile, and their home telephones should be wiretapped forthwith. This allows employers an extra level of analysis in regards to their current and prospective employees.

Conclusion

Although at this time the personality of the human animal remains too difficult to map absolutely, the Breyers-Devere Probe of Human Worth marks an advance in personality metrics for employers. Ultimately, through advances in neuroscience, all human actions will be able to be deterministically anticipated, and verbal diagnostics such as the Breyers-Devere Probe will be obsolete. But until that time, such tests remain an indispensable addition to our understanding of human resources.

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Dan Geddes is the editor of The Satirist and the author of The Satirist – Volume 1. Geddes’ criticism in The Satirist has been widely cited in academic papers, books, courses, newspapers, and websites. Geddes has written for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Dry Bones Review, and The Modern Word. His satirical work has also appeared in GlossyNews.com.

See also: Are You A Conspiracy Theorist? Take The Test and An Ethics Test for Presidential Candidates