Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.  Like plaque psoriasis, you’re back.  While others your age have settled comfortably into a 55+ retirement community with all sorts of amenities, you remain active as a United States Senator which, I’m guess, is even better, with more amenities than a Sandals Caribbean resort all-inclusive holiday.

I know you’ve been busy lately, campaigning and taking time out of your busy day to explain the intricacies of the garbage disposal to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  But, Bernie – here comes the 2020 campaign!

As you know, for the most part this country doesn’t embrace socialism, (though whether it’s left-over chicken wrap sandwiches from a faculty meeting or college tuition, they do like free junk).  And perhaps by Election Day, you’ll find a way to explain how you, a die-hard socialist owns three homes, including a beach house you paid almost $600,000 for in 2016.  Oh – I know – this is not a house where you and your family sit on the beach and romance melanoma – it’s a commune for the people!  As soon as you post the address, I’ll alert the Bolshevik media.

In 2016, you faced only one big, pants-suited barrier in the name of Hillary Rodham Clinton.  At least you took your defeat like a sort of man, except for the occasional puppeteer-like hand gestures and enough spittle to fill a bucket while denouncing Hillary, who, when she’s not busy giving speeches on

Cyber Security, (guffaw, guffaw!), is still busy amassing possible reasons for her 2016 loss:

1. Hillary Rodham Clinton
2. Russia
3. Sexism and misogyny
4. The DNC
5. WikiLeaks
6. Journalists
7. Obama
8. Moni’que
9. Women under pressure from men
10. Fox News
11. Fox and Friends
12. Fox’s U-Bet chocolate syrup.
13. Her assistant Huma Abadin and her perv husband Anthony Weiner.
14. James Comey
15. James Brown
16. 2016 was a leap year. Leap years are misogynistic.
17. Randy Jackson left American Idol
18. Corn and soybeans were down.
19. David Bowie wasn’t an American citizen so he couldn’t vote for her. And then he died.
20. She looks bad in pantsuits.
21. She looks bad in madras plaid.
22. The great right-wing conspiracy.
23. The great left-wing conspiracy.
24. People didn’t vote early or often enough.

But now, (as far as we know), Hillary is not a 2020 presidential candidate, though who knows; as I sort of nod out past candidate #11, and I fear the list will continue to grow. So far, 24 of them and your most formidable competition is Joe Biden, famous for accomplishing almost nothing in his 30+ years in politics, other than verbal gaffes, plagiarism and the propensity to sniff hair.  Still, he’s beating you in the polls and, four years ago, you eschewed the campaign song I wrote for you, a song that could have made all the difference…

“Bernie’s America”

(to the tune of “America,” from West Side Story)

PROLOGUE

Corey Booker, you will not win this
Nor will Elizabeth Warren
Beto O’Rourke isn’t Spanish
Gillibrand?  She should just vanish
2020 – it’s time for Bernie
You feel the ‘Bern’ and you know it
Vermont, the state is just groovy
I’m older than silent movies!
And you know you need me
There is no one to beat me
You cannot vote for Joe Biden
I like the city, Havana
It’s not all white like Montana!

I cannot stand this America
Nothing is fair in America
Everything’s white in America
Including me in America!

Obamacare in America
Healthcare for free in America
Single-pay care in America
Except for me in America!

I like the perks given to me
Superior healthcare and for free!
I know by birth I’m a Hebrew
But ancestry.com says I’m part Sioux….

Pelosi is rich in America
And she’s a b*tch in America
I know I can change America
Buttigieg’s strange in America!

Shicksas are hot in America
Netanyahu’s not in America
Privileged whites in America
No Talit Birthright in America!

Castro took care of Batista
I miss my pals, Sandinistas
I had a Soviet honeymoon
We should all live in a big commune!

College for free in America!
How it should be in America!
Welfare for all in America!
Middle-class fall in America!

DeBlasio’s still in America
He’s stealing my act in America
Worst mayor in all of America
Like Tammany Hall in America!

Boston Bomber is a person
We shouldn’t cast an aspersion
Madoff and Jared from Subway
Should get to vote, so should OJ!

Ben and Jerry ice cream in America
Half Baked’s my fave in America
Made in Vermont in America
Like my three homes in America!

Joe Biden can’t win in America
He’s a has-been in America
Swims in the buff in America
Says stupid stuff in America

Bezos should pay in America
I’ll wear a beret in America!
Cohibas belong in America
Bay of Pigs caused by America

So vote for me for America
Your nominee in America
Me gusta Che en America
Sanders for Prez in America!