Step 1: Begin honing your detective skills by watching the fifty-two movie and series versions of Sherlock Holmes, totaling approximately seventy-five hours of binge watching, or pick up a used copy of The Official Nancy Drew Handbook, by Penny Warner, where a few of those Drew’s Clues can solve the mystery of a cheating wife, such as: “How to Disguise Yourself and Go Undercover,” “How to Tail a Suspect,” or “How to Escape From Rope Bonds.”

Step 2: Calculate how long it takes your wife to respond to your messages. If longer than seven seconds, she has become bored with your antics and has moved on to someone more interesting than you, such as Jonathan Goldsmith or the latest Bond. In addition, if she has changed her responses from heart and couple emojis to thumbs down and middle finger emojis, your wife is having an affair.

Step 3: Casually smell your wife’s breath when you get home from work each day. If she’s been drinking beer, chances are it’s with another man, such as Jonathan Goldsmith, or if she has vodka martini breath, shaken, not stirred, she’s drinking with Bond. If you’re lucky, it’s not another man, but she’s become an alcoholic. If she’s an alcoholic, it means her life with you has become unbearable, causing her to drink away her sorrows. This will lead to an affair with Jonathan Goldsmith.

Step 4: If your wife stops laughing at your hilarious jokes, particularly the many variations of why a priest, a rabbi and a monk enter a bar, either they were never funny and she was humoring you, or she finds your attempt at comedy pathetic, and she’s having an affair with Kevin Hart, who can pull off the joke about the priest, the rabbi, and the monk entering a bar.

Step 5: Ask your wife to host one of her four book clubs at your house. When the women get drunk, about twenty minutes in, hover near the living room and ease drop on their conversation. If they talk about their bratty kids or their celebrity sex fantasies with Kevin Hart, your wife is not having an affair. If they talk about the book, it means their lives are empty and her three other book clubs are an affair with someone who enjoys reading, like Kevin Hart.

Step 6: Use your new sleuthing skills to find the laundry detergent in the basement. Suddenly offer to do the laundry while curling the twenty-pound jug of detergent. If your wife is impressed with your bicep strength and wants to have sex, she is not having an affair or she is a sex addict. If she attempts to wrestle the detergent away from you, she does not want you to do the laundry because she is hiding new lingerie, which she wears for Chris Hemsworth, with whom she is having an affair.

Step 7: The classic Freudian slip: if your wife calls you by another man’s name while making love in bed, such as Chris or 007 or John, it means:

1. she would like you to hire a plumber to fix the toilet that you keep backing up with your massive poo,
2. she is on a first name basis with the UPS boy from your online shopping addiction,
3. she is having an affair with the man (or men) she is calling out in bed,
4. all of the above.

Step 8: If your wife begins posting unfavorable pictures of you, or if she draws horns and blacks out some teeth, or if she exercises her creativity in the other direction, using FaceTune to make you slender and change the color of your eyes and hair, she is either upset with you for yet again leaving your shoes in the one spot she consistently trips on them, or she’s having an affair with Justin Bieber.

Step 9: Call your wife’s cell phone in her presence. If she has changed the ring tone from “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 to The Veronicas, “Leave Me Alone,” your wife has great taste in music, but she’s having an affair with Mick Jagger, which takes you by surprise, because you saw his most recent picture, and you thought he was dead.

Step 10: If your wife gets a mani/pedi, has her hair blown out, gets a free makeover with product purchase at Macy’s, wears a new outfit with high heels, endures Botox shots, has her bikini waxed and her anus bleached, then says she’s going to her girlfriend’s house for dinner, she’s not having an affair. Women act like catty Kardashian bitches trying to impress each other.

Step 11: Get that annual physical you’ve been putting off for the last ten years. If your doctor finds mysterious lesions on your testicles, which he’s assured you are not from the hot tub, nor is it jock itch or razor burn, but in fact you have Herpes Simplex 10, which means, you guessed it, your wife is having an affair with Derek Jeter.

Step 12: If your wife signs up for golf lessons with the hot new pro at the country club, who cares if she’s having an affair. She’s taken up golf at your club, run for your life!

Coming Soon: Be Your Own Sleuth! Issue 2: Handy Tips to Find Out If You Have Incontinence