Thanksgiving—A ridiculous Pilgrim holiday traced back to a 1621 celebration in Plymouth, Massachusetts. Giving thanks for the harvest made sense then; now it seems insane. The only harvest most Americans procure is from the aisles of Costco. Besides, a laborious dinner with annoying relatives is hardly a cause for celebration. Most often the result is a needless political debate that leads to injurious personal attacks and causes the national suicide rate to soar. And you thought Talk Like A Pirate Day sucked!

Christmas—This festival commemorating the birth of Jesus often includes nativity scenes, garlands, wreaths, caroling, and preposterously saccharine holiday movies. The religious and cultural rationale for Christmas may be sound, but of late this holiday seems little more than a corporate-generated excuse to boost the bottom line of greedy retailers with soul-sucking products.

Throw in the dopey tree, the fat hobo in the Santa suit, and the prosaic camaraderie—all forced down your gullet as if you were a goose bred for foie gras—and you actually might start believing the best thing you ever heard of in your life is a discounted iPod Stereo at shitbag Walmart.

If Jesus ever returns he will immediately check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic. What do holiday discounts on Kmart flip-flops have to do with Christmas? And why must I suffer through holiday jingles every year from endless ragtag a cappella groups? Kill yourselves!

Independence Day—In theory this holiday commemorates the liberation of the thirteen colonies from the British Crown. In practice no celebration seems quite so hypocritical. Think about it. We’re celebrating the independence of a country that for hundreds of years subjected a whole race of people to legalized slavery. How can we have treated African-Americans as property yet blather on about how we champion liberty and the equal pursuit of happiness?

Then, too, we boast that our Constitution guarantees inalienable rights when we basically have a two-hundred and thirty year history of trashing and degrading the autonomy of man. Just look at how we’ve treated the Native Americans (theft of land, indoctrination rape, genocide etc.)! Or Japanese-Americans during WWII (hate crimes, internment camps)!

Exacerbating matters further, the NSA violates privacy rights, corporate lobbyists turn our elected officials into pawns, and drones assassinate suspected-enemies in a way that seems to challenge our democratic ideals (since so many innocent civilians end up as ‘collateral damage’).

So cheer your little fireworks, host a festive barbecue, and lionize our founding fathers when everything America stands for is a lie. We are but cogs in a demented, imperialist machine. Independence Day my ass!

Easter—A celebration of the resurrection of Jesus that seems wildly unnecessary. You already celebrated the birth of Jesus, now you have to make a big tadoo over the resurrection too? When does it end? Should we have a holiday for every last cabinet Jesus assembled while a carpenter in Galilee?

Even more intolerable are the anthropomorphic bunnies bringing children colored eggs. What kind of opium were the German Lutherans smoking when they devised this utterly ludicrous myth? Then there are egg hunts and egg dances, which make one think this isn’t a religious holiday so much as an Alice In Wonderland reenactment. This year, for Lent, do yourself a favor and give up Easter!

Memorial Day—A holiday intended to honor our fallen soldiers. Sadly, many are the millennials who spend this important day sharing dick pics with disinterested paramours they superliked on Tinder. Throw in the way millennials ingest Tide Pods now in an effort to be cool, or smoke salvia and then post asinine videos on Periscope, and you have to wonder if all the sacrifices made to protect future generations of Americans were worth it?

Flag Day—A holiday celebrating a piece of cloth originally “Made In China.” What a farce!

Valentine’s Day—Saccharine romance. Cheesy flowers. Doltish poetry. Only a lunatic could enjoy such a travesty!

Halloween—It’s always a tad nauseating when yet another tween dresses up like Miley Cyrus or Ariana Grande. Throw in the par-for-the-course vampires and ghouls, the playboy bunnies and princesses, and it is surprising that this holiday doesn’t drive more gun-toting maniacs into murder-suicide mode.

About the only way Halloween could attract my attention is if a bunch of these repressed soccer moms, who dress in unbelievably skimpy outfits each year, were simultaneously burned at the stake. Seriously, I’d pay top dollar to see a Joan Of Arc Halloween Spectacular!

SantaCon—An annual pub crawl where everyone dresses up like Santa. In case it isn’t painfully obvious, the overwhelming majority of these pseudo-Santas badly need to check into a Phoenix House. It certainly beats puking green vomit all night in an alley.

Santa Con cheapens the myth behind exalted Christmas figures while driving the sober members of society absolutely nuts. Another Santa? Another one? I find myself saying this with greater incredulity every year.

I don’t believe in the Bible. But I sometimes wish a merciful God would create another flood to destroy the dregs of humanity. Why must these buffoons torture the rest of us with such horrid impunity?

Columbus Day—Don’t get me started!