by T. K. Marnell 

This past tumultuous year has been a time of reckoning for America, as together we discovered the previously invisible rips in our modern social fabric: the rise of disinformation on social media, our collective under-preparation for natural and medical disasters, and, most significantly, the systemic oppression of straight white men.

First, I must admit that as an Asian-American woman, I could never fully understand the lived experience of white men. Racism against Asian Americans hasn’t been a problem for a hundred years now. The few recent incidents of murder that appeared to be racially motivated were fortunately proven by law enforcement to have nothing to do with race, and the criminals were, in fact, simply having a bad day.

But I want you to know I am your ally, and I sympathize with your plight. As a member of the powerful non-white majority, I have some advice to help white men get their voices heard.

Soften your tone.

I worked with a white man once, and I observed that sometimes the way you express yourselves can come across as angry and aggressive. That’s probably the main reason white men get left behind in lower-paid support positions, while their peers get better opportunities and quick promotions to management.

I know in the white male culture, being loud and confrontational is normal, even celebrated. And I know it doesn’t seem fair that you have to suppress your authentic self all day, every day, to make people feel less threatened by your existence. But the real world is rarely fair. If you want to improve your situation, you need to be aware of how your coworkers perceive you and adjust for their comfort.

Some helpful tips:

1) Lower your voice.

2) Smile more.

3) In group discussions, wait until everyone else has finished speaking before offering your thoughts, and always cushion them with a humble acknowledgment that you don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Most people out there understand how hard white men have it, and they want to be on your side. But they might not feel like championing your cause for long if you act unpleasant. Remember that even if you were terribly wronged, you must always protect and prioritize the feelings of the non-whites who are just trying to help you.

Stop being so sensitive.

Yes, studies have shown that teachers and employers discriminate against white men. And to earn basic respect in the workplace, your comportment as a white man must be beyond reproach, while other people can be rude and mediocre and still retain their spots on the gilded escalator to the C-suite. It can feel like the whole world is against you because you’re a white man.

But not every mean comment is an anti-white microaggression. If you find yourself frequently complaining about how oppressed you are, maybe you need to reflect on why you’re so easily triggered.

The vast majority of people are not racists. They might have unfair preconceptions about people who look different, and they say hurtful things and then play the victim when called out, but that doesn’t make them racists.

And not every social problem is the product of racial disparities. There are countless poor non-white people who face the same challenges you do, but worse, because they work really hard while less deserving whites get all the free hand-outs and hand-ups. So it’s not fair to call us “privileged” just because of the color of our skin.

I feel it dilutes the power of the term “racist” when you throw it around every time a well-meaning person makes a small mistake. Real racism is when white corpses are literally dangling from trees, like so many tissue-paper ghosts at Halloween. People will soon stop seeing racism as a problem if you keep bullying them just for, like, innocently musing that maybe a lot of white men are incarcerated because they have a biological predisposition to violence and stupidity.

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Nobody wants to hear this, but a lot of people who believe they’re oppressed by racism simply aren’t trying hard enough.

Don’t sit around waiting for the nice people in power to save you. You need to be proactive in helping yourself and your community, because ultimately, anti-white racism is a problem for white people to fix. Be the change you want to see in the world!

Here are some ideas for getting more involved in diversity efforts:

1) Volunteer to lead book discussions in your workplace, without additional pay. As a white person, you are best informed to explain everything about racism to everybody else by sharing your most intimate personal traumas.

2) Mentor every young white person in your organization, all alone, and also without additional pay.

3) Check all of your organization’s webpages and publications for anti-white rhetoric, even if that’s not your job, because nobody else will. Speak up to HR about offensive content, but nicely, and with profuse self-deprecation. Nobody likes the “diversity police.”

Just make sure you don’t go too far! Always be mindful of how much your complaints are inconveniencing others.

I’m here for you.

Again, I want you to know that I am your female Asian-American ally. I’ve already helped you out by adding #WhiteLivesMatter to my Twitter bio.

I’ve also decided to use my position of power to help those less fortunate, by writing a novel about a beautiful white man who suffers, and suffers, and suffers some more until an enlightened Chinese lady rescues him from poverty and disgrace. Now calm down, it’s okay—I married a white man, and I Googled your traditional Super Bowl Sunday appetizer recipes, so the portrayal will be authentic.

You can help me help you too, by buying my merch. I’ve partnered with an illustrator on Etsy to make tote bags with gold letters that say “I stand with Blondie” over a collage of characters from that iconic comic strip beloved by all white people. No, the illustrator isn’t white, but like, hiring a white person to make white art would feel performative.

I hope you’ll consider my advice, and that you’ll soon start taking steps to dismantle the forces that are keeping your people down. And always remember, your allies are right here with you, cheering you on from the sidelines!

By day T. K. Marnell is an IT Manager for a consortium of academic libraries in the Pacific Northwest. By night she’s a writer of contemporary fiction and an aficionado of cakes, cats, and East Asian dramas.