by Marcus, Johnny D. R. W.[1]

The astonishing discovery of the oldest dating Guido-skeleton has anthropological circles buzzing around the globe. The skeleton—which was found just off the coast of Athens, Greece, near the original home of the gods—has been verified through carbon-dating to date back 3.4 million years ago. Anthropologists, Scientologists, and Atheists alike are identifying Richie—as the skeleton has been lovingly nicknamed—as the “missing link” between early Homo-Sapiens and their primate ancestors. This discovery has inspired a new field of anthropological study to uncover the true historical ancestry of the Guido people, and track down any modern remnants of this great, early—albeit misguided—civilization.

In direct opposition to the commonly held belief that Guido culture was developed by Italian-Americans, Richie has proven that Guidoism may be linked to the early Greek’s obsession of perfection of the body. Thanks to translations of manuscripts found in an undersea cavern in 2003, there is historically infallible proof that Michelangelo’s David was patterned after the most famous of Greedos (as the early Greek-Guidos were known), Dionysus (Arabella 369). Dionysus is one of the first world-renowned Guidos. He lived by the credo of WPF—“wine, parties and festivals” (Yung 28). Also “madness, and drunkenness” were acceptable under the guise of the pleasure of “forever youth” for this early Greedo (Yung 27). In later years WPF has subverted to the more commonly used GTL.

The skeleton was found in an undersea cavern, which, 3.4 million years ago, was part of an island oasis. Archeologists Soto and Ronzed have discovered other artifacts as well. Large rocks of varying and matching sizes with handles engraved in the tops (resembling dumbbells), large wheels with holes cut in the middle (resembling weights), and flat slabs, the length of a man’s torso, were all found surrounding the skeleton. At first archaeologists thought this was a burial ground. However, upon closer analysis they discovered that the flat slab which Richie’s skeleton was found under was a lifting bench. Furthermore, Richie died of a crushed larynx. The most widely accepted theory allows that this accident resulted from lifting without a spotter. Historicists postulate that this undersea cavern is the earliest Muscle Beach, lending historical fact to the long-accepted idea that Muscle Beach was actually founded by an American immigrant, descended from the original Guido tribe.

Early Guidos were a migrant tribe. They would live in one area, exhaust the resources and move onto the next. Finally, Guidos settled on the Jersey Shore, staking this area as their territory. Early Guidos were considerably lighter skinned than their modern descendants. Over centuries of spending hours in the sun, Guidos developed dark, tanned skin (Yung 30). From their Italian and Greek decent, Guido descendents have inherited their naturally dark, black hair. These two traits have become stereotypical of Guidoism. Modern Guidos prefer to stay within the parameters of the Jersey Shore, and are well-known for keeping the same close-knit tribe from birth until death.

Ancestors of the ancient Guido now reside in the Tristate area, congregating daily on the Jersey Shore. The pilgrimage begins no later than twelve in the afternoon. Guido’s are known for their stamina (Yung 31). Traditionally they have slept for fewer hours a day than any other tribe in history. Modern Guidos have a markedly superior stamina to their ancestors, and can go for days without sleep, food or water generally with the aid of alcohol and, mostly legal, supplements.

Modern Guido males are characterized by their low body-fat percentage, disproportionately large arm-to-leg ratio, dark hair and skin (Misguid 473). Also, the average Guido has biceps twice as large as their calves. Both male and female Guidos are top-heavy. The males begin their day by “doing the GTL.” This GTL is an acronymistic colloquialism which asserts the higher order concerns for this tribe: Gym, Tan, then Laundry. These must always be done in the same order. First the gym, then the tan, and finally the laundry. The Guido who does laundry first, risks psychological overload. The laundry must never be done before either Gym or Tan. The Guido is not built in a way to cope with the strain of this activity before he has been pumped up by the adrenaline rush which the gym will give him, and the endorphin surge of UV rays. If a Guido strays from this hierarchical order, they also risk being ostracized from their social unit, and would be outcast to the fringes of Guido society, to hang out with the grenades—sub-par women who are only acknowledged if they have attractive friends.

Older males are characterized by an intensified lack of maturity (Misguid 468). Also, denial is a key factor in interpersonal tribal relationships (Misguid 468). The older males refuse to lose face in front of the younger males, and assert their alpha-male status by grunting ruggedly, scratching their genitals, and thrusting violently in the general direction of any nearby female. This emphasis of the phallus is a trait particular to this tribe’s tradition of male dominance. In the past, Guidoism has been defined by strict adherence to tradition. However, in recent years this group has been very welcoming of outsiders. Like many archaic tribes, Guidos have a rigorous and selective initiation process, but are welcoming of all individuals who meet their criteria, regardless of race or creed. In this way they are considerably more advanced than other tribes.

The anthropological roots of American Guido culture are fascinating. However, Guidos are a quickly diminishing tribe. Their out-dated emphasis of male-dominance hinders their growth. Genealogical lines are becoming more blurred with each passing generation. Perhaps this is why the tribe has opened its borders and accepts new members with wide, thick arms, encircling them in all that is Guido.

Nadia van der Watt

Works Cited

Arabella, Anjalica Annunciata. “Translation of Latin Manuscripts Found In the La Estrella

Caverns.” The Journal of Natural Science of Historical Significance 34.1 New York

(2003): 356-93. Print.

Misguid, Edd. “Guido Gods: the Perfect Men.” Humanity: On the Edge of Extinction 17.2 San Francisco (2004): 452-78. Print.

Soto, Ned and B. Ronzedi. “Analysis of the Skeletal Remains of Early Homo Sapien-Richie the Guido.” The Unchanging Reality of Existence 2.5 New Jersey (2008): 3-35. Print.

Yung, Two. “Amongst God’s, Mortals, and Men: Greek Mythology and Masculinity.” Gender

Studies: The Annual Manly Issue 782.356.464.1/2 Greece (2004): 27-31. Print.

[1] Dr. Johnny Devito Roletto Winston Marcus is currently completing his studies at Hambridge University, and is well known in anthropological circles for his fascinating studies of masculinity and femininity within various ancient tribes. Among his other published works are “The Electra Complex: Guidette Women and Father-Daughter Relationships” (2003), “Doing the GTL: Hierarchical Concerns in Tribal Cultures” (2005), and his New York Times best-selling autobiography: The Guido Phenomenon: How Living on the Jersey Shore Changed Me (2000).