By Basta

Are you depressed by the destruction of abortion rights at the Supreme Court? Do you incredulously watch state after state pass draconian laws, allowing any citizen to sue abortion providers, considering creating databases of all pregnant women, and regularly dropping exceptions for rape and incest in these new laws?  Do you desperately wish the previous sentences were satire?

We’re American Justice, the new legal firm with a bold new vision, and we have a solution for you!  Legally incorporating your reproductive system can provide you with the rights you’ll soon lack as a human woman!  Read on if you think this might be right for you!

STEP ONE: What legal entity is right for your uterus?

We’re way beyond the early days of the doctrine of corporate personhood!  Imagine having your closely held beliefs, or right to privacy and free association respected as much as a corporation!  Now with our legal firm we will either pay to escort you out of state for any needed medical procedure, or you’ll have the pleasure of telling a law- that they’ll see your uterus in court!

It’s easier for corporations to shirk their tax responsibilities than it is for women to have rights—now, not only will your body have the protection of a full, corporate citizen, but you can also reduce your tax bill by incorporating other assets in your uterus if you wish.  If United States v. Windsor is any guide, the Court can best be persuaded to protect human rights if they’re connected to protecting private property from taxation.  Apparently, the 14^th amendment’s due process clause will no longer protect a woman’s right to privacy in choosing an abortion—but, your honor, what if that uterus represents EQUITY IN YOUR CORPORATION?  Rights, restored!

Limited Liability Corporations are the most popular entity type for small businesses, though no data is yet available on incorporated reproductive systems.  You may register as a pass-through corporation, which has considerable tax benefits.  Many tax-conscious clients are also filing as nonprofit corporations: our attorneys are prepared to argue that your corporate endeavors qualify as educational, scientific, religious, and/or charitable.  This status may exempt you from property, federal, and estate taxes.  Can I get a halleluiah?

STEP TWO: Where should you register your uterus?

Delaware’s a perennial favorite!  In this new legal landscape, our attorneys recommend incorporating in a state that will maintain abortion rights (fewer than half of them!), support women’s rights in other ways (just 8 states with publicly funded paid maternity leave!).  If you want to find a tax haven state, there are a handful of options, though most oppose reproductive rights.  (Seriously: Delaware is a tax shelter that will keep abortion rights.) This is a personal choice, but the hostility of most state legislatures to your uterus is something you should legally consider.

Some of our more cosmopolitan clients may want to incorporate abroad!  Our attorneys think they can claim your uterus as intellectual property—there are patent box regimes in a number of countries that may be right for you!

STEP THREE: What name is right for your incorporated reproductive system?

As your legal advisors, we’d like to save you some time, here.  Legally, you need a unique name, and many of you think you have original nicknames and .  (Even “Gustave Courbet’s Muse”—classy but imitated.)  There are a few types of names that are legally actionable against you, such as naming your bits after another person or corporate entity.  You may indeed have the Madonna, or the Michelin Star of lady parts, but those entities will sue you and win.  The Constitution also prohibits titles of nobility—no YAS Queen, and definitely no naming a specific Queen, those are the last legal crosshairs we want to be in.

STEP FOUR: Which packaged deal is right for your uterus?

Here at American Justice we have three different packaged options, which can later be upgraded for a fee:

• Basic: covers the completion and filing of formation documents, included in all packages.  A bargain at $99.99!
• Second-Class Citizenship: additionally covers the filing of lawsuits and optional physical protection while walking to and from a clinic!  A customer favorite at $399.99!
• Full Citizenship: Imagine if the ERA had been passed, or Merrick Garland’s nomination had received a vote, or if a President who lost the popular vote hadn’t appointed three Supreme Court Justices, or if reproductive rights hadn’t become a partisan issue! (Remember, George H.W. Bush supported Planned Parenthood.)  Our legal team (and possible logistical team, for potential out-of-state procedures) will have your uterus happily living its corporate life as if it had the personal autonomy of a full citizen!  $9,999.99!  Monthly payment plans available!

CALL TODAY!  1-800-ITS-MINE!  The lawyers here at American Justice have been drinking, litigating, and making uterus jokes just to stay sane.  But we also realize that the effect of eliminating federal abortion rights is to penalize economically vulnerable women who cannot afford to take off work or travel out of state for a procedure.  The Guttmacher Institute’s analysis shows that 26 states are certain or likely to ban abortion; states with over 163 million citizens and thus over 80 million women and soon-to-be second class citizens.  If you want to donate to our fund for women who have placed themselves on a waiting list for incorporation but cannot afford their rights, call our hotline and press 2 at the tone!

Basta is the pen name of an academic working in Washington DC.  She teaches and writes about politics and policy.